Sorry?

I realized something about myself today (although, I guess I already knew it subconsciously)...I have an aversion to apologizing. It's strange I know, but reality. I think it's because in a Management class in college, we did a case study on the differences between men and women in management roles, and why men tend to be more successful. One of the discoveries was that overall women tend to apologize more than men and men see apologizing as a sign of weakness. I guess I internalized it more than I realized, since that case study has hung soo closely to me for almost five years. Since that day, subconsciously, I think I decided only to apologize when absolutely necessary. I don't want to be seen as weak, and I don't want to not succeed because I'm a female, so I try to take what I've learned (including not admitting that I don't know something at work) and apply it to my life in an attempt to be successful on my terms. (I feel crazy when I re-read this though)

It's bizarre though, I have a physical reaction when I have to apologize, almost like a nervous reaction or frustration. I have to work myself up, take a few deep breaths, suppress my own insecurities and tackle the situation head on. As a result, I don't apologize as often as I should...so if in the past I have offended you in some way, realized it and not apologized, I'm doing it now...I'm sorry.

Weird how one little essay can change the way we live our lives...