So, now is that infamous time of year where everyone starts to make New Year's Resolutions, huh? I try to rebel most years and just forego the whole thing, but this year I'm feeling a bit guilty and so I'm going to do it. I thought, "what better place to share my zany New Year's Resolutions than with the entirety of my blog-o-sphere!" So here it is...they will probably change or be refined and things, but you'll get the jist of it:
1) Get out of New York City for at least one day a month for a little peace of mind.
2) Take advantage of the gym membership that I already pay for (either by working out 5 days a week or taking a class at the gym)
3) Tone my arms and abs
4) Work on having a more positive outlook on life and not being soo "snarky".
5) Personal goal for me to know and you to find out if I succeed!
That's all for now. I'll keep you updated on the status of all 4 (5) of these.
December 28, 2006
December 18, 2006
Rebel
I have the weight of my man back.
And my life is changing. I like the direction in which it is going for now, and most importantly I like how I feel. I feel more free than I have felt in a really long time. Free to let myself feel things for people that others once told me were inappropriate, free to let myself be loved in the way I need to be loved, and free to be happy and not feel bad about that. I'm open to all types of new situations and people, willing to let them in to know who I truly am when I'm not holding back.
And I have to say, I saw this coming from a long way off. Some would call it rebellion, but I would call it truly living. A person has got to be free to make their own choices and mistakes and not be hindered by the mistakes, rules, and regulations of their forefathers. I know that sounds extreme, but that's not how I intend it. Rules can be good and help to keep us safe, but when they hold a person back from really experiencing life people are bound to rebel sooner or later.
It's like Lauryn said "I get out of all your boxes, I get out."
And my life is changing. I like the direction in which it is going for now, and most importantly I like how I feel. I feel more free than I have felt in a really long time. Free to let myself feel things for people that others once told me were inappropriate, free to let myself be loved in the way I need to be loved, and free to be happy and not feel bad about that. I'm open to all types of new situations and people, willing to let them in to know who I truly am when I'm not holding back.
And I have to say, I saw this coming from a long way off. Some would call it rebellion, but I would call it truly living. A person has got to be free to make their own choices and mistakes and not be hindered by the mistakes, rules, and regulations of their forefathers. I know that sounds extreme, but that's not how I intend it. Rules can be good and help to keep us safe, but when they hold a person back from really experiencing life people are bound to rebel sooner or later.
It's like Lauryn said "I get out of all your boxes, I get out."
December 17, 2006
The Weight of a Man
Do you remember how it feels to have a man curled around you in bed with his arm wrapped around you? Or how it feels to have him as your blanket and feel the weight of his body?
I miss that. I had that not too long ago and now I keep meeting all these cute men but nothing weighty. Men that tell me things like, you are soo warm, I'd love to cuddle with you all night (and not just from one man, from several). And men who love my lips and make it really hard for me to resist kissing them. What's a girl to do...hardly a terrible dilemma to be in, I'll be honest, but I do miss the weight of a man. The kissing and cuddling is cool, but I miss his body, his warmth.
I miss that. I had that not too long ago and now I keep meeting all these cute men but nothing weighty. Men that tell me things like, you are soo warm, I'd love to cuddle with you all night (and not just from one man, from several). And men who love my lips and make it really hard for me to resist kissing them. What's a girl to do...hardly a terrible dilemma to be in, I'll be honest, but I do miss the weight of a man. The kissing and cuddling is cool, but I miss his body, his warmth.
December 13, 2006
I won't wait forever
I thought I would wait for him forever...I thought I would fight for him, but someone else showed me that I don't have to work that hard all alone.
Tentative
He's good...really good, but I'm nervous. I met a man who is...mmm...great...well, not on-a-pedestal-great, normal, very normal, but I'm beginning to really like him. He gives me what I need and doesn't even have to ask. He holds my hand, jokes with me, talks to me, kisses me, is concerned about me...what I want. But it scares me because in my mind he must have ulterior motives because all the guys I've dealt with in the past did. They wanted to get in my pants or wanted my friend or wanted free beer or wanted a non-sexual girlfriend stand-in. Part of me knows that he is not this way, but the other part of me is holding back tentatively until I get to know him better and find out what his true intentions are. He has been a total gentleman every time I have hung out with him so far which is comforting. And I think about him a lot and miss his voice and lips and sense of humor and hands. I like being near him. I guess I just have to know that even if I stop holding back that like/love often involves pain (usually not on purpose) and I have to be willing to risk that if I want to be with him.
December 12, 2006
Positive Energy
So I went to Atlanta for Thanksgiving to visit my sister because I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown in New York!! I mean, it's a very cool city and all, but those of us not from this glorious place often need a little peace and quiet. And since I hadn't gotten that in about 7 months, I was really due! To the point where if someone bumped into me unnecessarily on the subway, or stepped on my heel (all of which I am guilty of), I would want to flip my lid!! It was bad, and I needed to get out of here.
When I finally got to HOTlanta, my sister and I just relaxed for two days. We did a little shopping before Turkey day, but on the day itself, we just watched movies and vegged. You know how sometimes you just need to stay in your jammies all day and do nothing, think about nothing just veg. That's how it was. I mean we talked a lot about life and what going on with both of us which was also needed because my sister is really the only one who truly understands me and who I can take brutally honest comments/criticism from. It was a welcome retreat! By the 3rd day I was there my sister could tell I was feeling happier and more relaxed, and I left so too. And I decided on the plane on the way back to NYC that I was going to have a positive attitude...even if people push me around, step on me, knock me over, glare at me, I'm just going to smile, say please and thank you and carry on my merry way. I decided not to let people get under my skin and just to be the woman that my mother taught me to be.
The point of this whole story is that once I finally took a breath and exhaled, good things and good people began to cross my path. I met a man through work that is interesting and a gentleman and adorable. I dropped my groceries in the store and a complete stranger went to get a shopping cart for me and wished me happy holidays, a couple men opened doors for me and said thank you when I held the door for them, and I met another man who gave me exactly what I needed just when I needed it. I think when you embrace a positive attitude it radiates from you and people can feel that positive energy. That sounds very mystical, but I really believe its true. I very much feel calm and open to different experiences because I know I will learn from them good or bad.
When I finally got to HOTlanta, my sister and I just relaxed for two days. We did a little shopping before Turkey day, but on the day itself, we just watched movies and vegged. You know how sometimes you just need to stay in your jammies all day and do nothing, think about nothing just veg. That's how it was. I mean we talked a lot about life and what going on with both of us which was also needed because my sister is really the only one who truly understands me and who I can take brutally honest comments/criticism from. It was a welcome retreat! By the 3rd day I was there my sister could tell I was feeling happier and more relaxed, and I left so too. And I decided on the plane on the way back to NYC that I was going to have a positive attitude...even if people push me around, step on me, knock me over, glare at me, I'm just going to smile, say please and thank you and carry on my merry way. I decided not to let people get under my skin and just to be the woman that my mother taught me to be.
The point of this whole story is that once I finally took a breath and exhaled, good things and good people began to cross my path. I met a man through work that is interesting and a gentleman and adorable. I dropped my groceries in the store and a complete stranger went to get a shopping cart for me and wished me happy holidays, a couple men opened doors for me and said thank you when I held the door for them, and I met another man who gave me exactly what I needed just when I needed it. I think when you embrace a positive attitude it radiates from you and people can feel that positive energy. That sounds very mystical, but I really believe its true. I very much feel calm and open to different experiences because I know I will learn from them good or bad.
November 28, 2006
Man-Eater
Have you ever met a boy/man (sidenote: I'm in this weird phase in my life where I'm at the age that it still feels creepy to call guys I'm interested in MEN, but it feels so juvenile to call them BOYS...what's a girl to do?) that you felt like you could eat alive! Ok, not literally, but ladies you know what I mean. A guy who is so adorable and attractive but is so incredibly intimidated by you and nervous that it's so painfully obvious that you know you could completely take advantage of the situation and him for your own guilty pleasures...
November 27, 2006
Business or Pleasure
So I met this guy last week, and encountered him again today and I must say that I am highly intrigued. He is a sales guy by profession, and it definitely comes across in his personality. (You know how you meet people who are in sales and it just seems fitting for their personality? That's him.) So the first time we met it was very serious, all business with a touch of flirtation (just the slightest bit). But today. Today was different. It was no secret that I couldn't take my eyes off him...or should I say I couldn't keep my eyes on him because I would lose my train of thought. Every time I looked up from my notes into his blue eyes the words floated lazily out of my brain via my ears. My mind turned to mush, unable to form coherent sentences resulting in "ummm"s and "uh"s. And does this man know how to flatter! Sprinkling me with subtle compliments the whole time he was there, gently embracing my hand in our parting shake, holding my gaze just as gently and slipping out of the door with a wink. I'm pretty sure I'll see him again due to our business, but I wonder if I should make a move? He did give me his number. Should I call him? I could be that bold.
November 16, 2006
Stupid Boys
It seems these days, other people can put my feelings into words better than I can. Another example if Jeannine Garafalo in The Truth About Cats and Dogs. Near the end she says to Brian:
"It's mentally exhausting feeling bad about something you can't do anything about."
That's how I am feeling these days. I always say I will keep you updated on the progress of my online dating, and alas here it is: it sucks. I tried again for two months and this is what happened: innumerable winks, 10 unique emails/guys in contact, 5 phones numbers, 2 first dates, 0 second dates, and 1 disappointing canceled first date before it even happened. Oh and one quasi-date with a guy I didn't meet online. The result of all of this nonsense and consequently waste of my time...nothing. No new friends, no second or third dates, no boyfriend, nothing, just a big fat waste of my time. All these boys (and I use that term deliberately) either didn't keep their word (by not calling me when they said they would) or told me I was too young or too "kind and gentle" for them. What bullshit! So basically these guys are looking for bitchy old women, right? Well, I'm not that woman and I can't and don't want to pretend to be! There has got to be some good ones out there right? Help me out girls!
Oh, and on a side note, if you just got engaged/married, or know someone who has, please spare me and don't tell me. I don't think that right now I can handle hearing about one more engaged person when I can't even get a second date. I know its selfish, but please bare with me for now.
"It's mentally exhausting feeling bad about something you can't do anything about."
That's how I am feeling these days. I always say I will keep you updated on the progress of my online dating, and alas here it is: it sucks. I tried again for two months and this is what happened: innumerable winks, 10 unique emails/guys in contact, 5 phones numbers, 2 first dates, 0 second dates, and 1 disappointing canceled first date before it even happened. Oh and one quasi-date with a guy I didn't meet online. The result of all of this nonsense and consequently waste of my time...nothing. No new friends, no second or third dates, no boyfriend, nothing, just a big fat waste of my time. All these boys (and I use that term deliberately) either didn't keep their word (by not calling me when they said they would) or told me I was too young or too "kind and gentle" for them. What bullshit! So basically these guys are looking for bitchy old women, right? Well, I'm not that woman and I can't and don't want to pretend to be! There has got to be some good ones out there right? Help me out girls!
Oh, and on a side note, if you just got engaged/married, or know someone who has, please spare me and don't tell me. I don't think that right now I can handle hearing about one more engaged person when I can't even get a second date. I know its selfish, but please bare with me for now.
November 13, 2006
I ain't built like a supermodel
Lately, song lyrics are what gets me through. When I'm having a crappy day and I can't bear to get knocked into or shoved out of the way one more time I turn on Black Eyed Peas Anxiety. When I feel like that guy that I was sure I had a connection with and really wanted to get to know better tells me that I'm too young for him...again, I listen to Goodbye My Lover. When I feel like I will be single forever because every guy I go out with never calls me back, I listen to this:
VIDEO
India Arie
Sometimes I shave my legs and sometimes I don't
Sometimes I comb my hair and sometimes I won't
Depend on how the wind blows I might even paint my toes
It really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul
I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the india arie
When I look in the mirror and the only one there is me
Every freckle on my face is where it's supposed to be
And I know our creator didn't make no mistakes on me
My feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes; I'm lovin' what I see
I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the india arie
Am I less of a lady if I don't wear pantyhose?
My mama said a lady ain't what she wears but, what she knows
But, I've drawn a conclusion, it's all an illusion, confusion's the name of the
game
A misconception, a vast deception
Something's gotta change
but,Don't be offended this is all my opinion
ain't nothing that I'm sayin law
This is a true confession of a life learned lesson I was sent here to share with
y'all
So get in where you fit in go on and shine
Clear your mind, now's the time
Put your salt on the shelf
Go on and love yourself
'Cuz everything's gonna be all right
I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I Learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the india arie
Keep your fancy drinks and your expensive minks
I don't need that to have a good time
Keep your expensive car and your caviar
All I need is my guitar
Keep your Kristal and your pistol
I'd rather have a pretty piece of crystal
Don't need your silicone I prefer my own
What God gave me is just fine
I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be [lysandra g]
I'm still learning to love myself unconditionally and I find that exceeding difficult in this city, but I'm a work in progress, so what can I say. I just want to be happy and loved...that's all anyone wants, right?
VIDEO
India Arie
Sometimes I shave my legs and sometimes I don't
Sometimes I comb my hair and sometimes I won't
Depend on how the wind blows I might even paint my toes
It really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul
I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the india arie
When I look in the mirror and the only one there is me
Every freckle on my face is where it's supposed to be
And I know our creator didn't make no mistakes on me
My feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes; I'm lovin' what I see
I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the india arie
Am I less of a lady if I don't wear pantyhose?
My mama said a lady ain't what she wears but, what she knows
But, I've drawn a conclusion, it's all an illusion, confusion's the name of the
game
A misconception, a vast deception
Something's gotta change
but,Don't be offended this is all my opinion
ain't nothing that I'm sayin law
This is a true confession of a life learned lesson I was sent here to share with
y'all
So get in where you fit in go on and shine
Clear your mind, now's the time
Put your salt on the shelf
Go on and love yourself
'Cuz everything's gonna be all right
I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I Learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be the india arie
Keep your fancy drinks and your expensive minks
I don't need that to have a good time
Keep your expensive car and your caviar
All I need is my guitar
Keep your Kristal and your pistol
I'd rather have a pretty piece of crystal
Don't need your silicone I prefer my own
What God gave me is just fine
I'm not the average girl from your video
and I ain't built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I'm not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I'm wearing I will always be [lysandra g]
I'm still learning to love myself unconditionally and I find that exceeding difficult in this city, but I'm a work in progress, so what can I say. I just want to be happy and loved...that's all anyone wants, right?
November 03, 2006
Goodbye My Lover
I heard this song first at the James Blunt concert with one of my good friends. It is truly moving, especially live! But I thought I would share:
James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover Lyrics
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
It's heartbreaking, and honest, and raw...
James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover Lyrics
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
It's heartbreaking, and honest, and raw...
October 15, 2006
A Letter...Part II
Dear ______,
I hope you are doing well, and I imagine you are quite busy since I haven't heard from you in a while.
And if for whatever reason you don't want to be friends anymore...although I generally consider friends those that keep their word when we say we'll get together...just let me know so I don't keep getting my hopes up every time you suggest we hang out. If you don't really mean it, you don't have to say it to spare my feelings, I'm not a porcelain doll. At least give me the respect and benefit of the doubt and be straight with me. It's really sad for me because I really like you as a friend, and I really do think we could have good fun together. If you disagree, seriously just be honest with me. If that's hard for you just send me an email...
So many if's, I have no idea what's even going on in your life so all I'm left with is speculation from the tiny morsels that you provide in our short email exchanges to construct these hypothetical scenarios for your lack of communication. It's exhausting and maddening, and I'm not sure why I haven't given up on you yet, but I haven't.
Hope to hear from you soon,
Me
I hope you are doing well, and I imagine you are quite busy since I haven't heard from you in a while.
And if for whatever reason you don't want to be friends anymore...although I generally consider friends those that keep their word when we say we'll get together...just let me know so I don't keep getting my hopes up every time you suggest we hang out. If you don't really mean it, you don't have to say it to spare my feelings, I'm not a porcelain doll. At least give me the respect and benefit of the doubt and be straight with me. It's really sad for me because I really like you as a friend, and I really do think we could have good fun together. If you disagree, seriously just be honest with me. If that's hard for you just send me an email...
So many if's, I have no idea what's even going on in your life so all I'm left with is speculation from the tiny morsels that you provide in our short email exchanges to construct these hypothetical scenarios for your lack of communication. It's exhausting and maddening, and I'm not sure why I haven't given up on you yet, but I haven't.
Hope to hear from you soon,
Me
October 04, 2006
Strung Along
What do you do with a friend who keeps making plans but never follows through?
The first few times you hung out they seemed completely sincere, and not like the kind of person that would string you along. But recent events have made you doubt that sincerity.
I have always said, and truly believe, that you trust someone until they give you reason not to, but what's the straw that breaks the camels back? Part of me wants to just give up on this person and not resume contact, then the other part of me wants to hold out hope and see them again...what do I do? I'm so confused. I guess for now I'll be that naive girl and hold out hope just a little longer til they break my heart and keep stringing me along...
The first few times you hung out they seemed completely sincere, and not like the kind of person that would string you along. But recent events have made you doubt that sincerity.
I have always said, and truly believe, that you trust someone until they give you reason not to, but what's the straw that breaks the camels back? Part of me wants to just give up on this person and not resume contact, then the other part of me wants to hold out hope and see them again...what do I do? I'm so confused. I guess for now I'll be that naive girl and hold out hope just a little longer til they break my heart and keep stringing me along...
September 10, 2006
A Letter...
Dear _____,
I miss you. I haven't heard from you in a while and I just wanted to let you know that.
What I really wanted to tell you is that I wish we could still get to know each other better. The time we spent together was fun and thoughtful and engaging. I didn't think it was possible to miss someone so much only having known them for such a short time. I felt like we connected on a very real level and both could have learned something from getting to know one another better. I still believe that.
You're probably asking yourself why I'm writing this? Well, to be honest, I saw a movie this weekend that for numerous reasons struck me and made me think of you in earnest. Have you ever seen Prime? Well, you should and you'll understand this better. Age matters, but in the end its just a number...its about life stage. But I don't want to preach, I said we should still be friends and I'm trying to live up to that, but my heart is betraying my word. Part of me wishes that you would just give it/us a chance...at least to spend a little more time together. Then the other part of me thinks about the movie and thinks, maybe it just could never work. Perhaps its my naivete that keeps the hope alive.
In any case, I still hope to hear from you soon, and perhaps when I go rock climbing I'll give you a call. I hope all is well with you.
Best,
Me
I miss you. I haven't heard from you in a while and I just wanted to let you know that.
What I really wanted to tell you is that I wish we could still get to know each other better. The time we spent together was fun and thoughtful and engaging. I didn't think it was possible to miss someone so much only having known them for such a short time. I felt like we connected on a very real level and both could have learned something from getting to know one another better. I still believe that.
You're probably asking yourself why I'm writing this? Well, to be honest, I saw a movie this weekend that for numerous reasons struck me and made me think of you in earnest. Have you ever seen Prime? Well, you should and you'll understand this better. Age matters, but in the end its just a number...its about life stage. But I don't want to preach, I said we should still be friends and I'm trying to live up to that, but my heart is betraying my word. Part of me wishes that you would just give it/us a chance...at least to spend a little more time together. Then the other part of me thinks about the movie and thinks, maybe it just could never work. Perhaps its my naivete that keeps the hope alive.
In any case, I still hope to hear from you soon, and perhaps when I go rock climbing I'll give you a call. I hope all is well with you.
Best,
Me
September 04, 2006
Closeness and Second Dates
Two things...
1) There are totally some guys out there that have something about them that makes you want to be close to them. I was hanging out with a couple guy friends of mine tonight, and there is one (who is also my dancing buddy) that makes me want to be close to him...to stand close, dance close, place a hand on him, whatever. It's weird but there are other guys who have the same effect on me...I wonder if it's pheromones...?
2) I think I discovered what my problem is...I'm pretty good at first dates when I have them, but I must be terrible at second dates. I go on lots of first and second dates, but never third dates. Is there something I should know about the second date?? Was I absent the day some crucial rule was taught about second dates?? I mean, we always chit chat it up nicey nicey style, but am I supposed to openly talk about where we go from here? Am I supposed to kiss him? Are we supposed to do something adventurous? Am I supposed to let him teach me something? I have no idea what is going wrong here! As always, if any of you have any tips, please let me know...I'm interested.
Oh, and Happy Labor Day!
1) There are totally some guys out there that have something about them that makes you want to be close to them. I was hanging out with a couple guy friends of mine tonight, and there is one (who is also my dancing buddy) that makes me want to be close to him...to stand close, dance close, place a hand on him, whatever. It's weird but there are other guys who have the same effect on me...I wonder if it's pheromones...?
2) I think I discovered what my problem is...I'm pretty good at first dates when I have them, but I must be terrible at second dates. I go on lots of first and second dates, but never third dates. Is there something I should know about the second date?? Was I absent the day some crucial rule was taught about second dates?? I mean, we always chit chat it up nicey nicey style, but am I supposed to openly talk about where we go from here? Am I supposed to kiss him? Are we supposed to do something adventurous? Am I supposed to let him teach me something? I have no idea what is going wrong here! As always, if any of you have any tips, please let me know...I'm interested.
Oh, and Happy Labor Day!
September 03, 2006
To Pursue or Not To Pursue
Hello my beautiful people. I know it has been a long time since I've written (over a month), but I have been incredibly crazed with work. When I was hanging out with a friend a couple weeks ago our conversation made me realize how dull and uneventful my life has gotten :( I have spend soo much time working that I didn't learn to surf like I promised myself I would this year (although there is still time), I haven't been running or hiking or on any exciting adventures.
Anyway, I thought I'd catch you all up to date. I have spent some time with my adorable yet older friend and confirmed that we are...yes...just friends. It still makes me sad, but like I said before making new friends is always good. And that just means there is someone out there more right for me. But the whole situation has made me think...
Is it wrong for a woman to want to be pursued? I didn't call a guy I went on a date with a while back for about two weeks because I wanted to see if he would call. He didn't. Does that mean he's not interested or was he doing the same thing? I don't always want to be the one always pursuing, there's got to be a little back and forth, doesn't there? Someone help me out here, I'd love to get your thoughts.
Ah well, that's New York I suppose. It's so difficult to meet good guys here. ;-/
Anyway, I thought I'd catch you all up to date. I have spent some time with my adorable yet older friend and confirmed that we are...yes...just friends. It still makes me sad, but like I said before making new friends is always good. And that just means there is someone out there more right for me. But the whole situation has made me think...
Is it wrong for a woman to want to be pursued? I didn't call a guy I went on a date with a while back for about two weeks because I wanted to see if he would call. He didn't. Does that mean he's not interested or was he doing the same thing? I don't always want to be the one always pursuing, there's got to be a little back and forth, doesn't there? Someone help me out here, I'd love to get your thoughts.
Ah well, that's New York I suppose. It's so difficult to meet good guys here. ;-/
August 02, 2006
I Used To Love Him
I an interesting conversation with a friend the other day that made me think (big surprise right? I'm the queen of thinking and over-thinking). First you have to read these Lauren Hill Lyrics:
I Used To Love Him Lyrics
As I look at what I've done
The type of life that I've lived
How many things I pray the father will forgive
One situation involved a young man
He was the ocean and I was the sand
He stole my heart like a thief in the night
Dulled my senses blurred my sight
I used to love him but now I don't
I chose a road of passion and pain
Sacrificed too much and waited in vain
Gave up my power ceased being queen
Addicted to love like the drug of a fiend
Torn and confused wasted and used
Reached the crossroad which path would I choose
Stuck and frustrated I waited, debated
For something to happen that just wasn't fated
Thought what I wanted was something I needed
When momma said no I just should have heeded
Misled I bled till the poison was gone
And out of the darkness arrived the sweet dawn
I used to love him but now I don't
Father you saved me and showed me that life
Was much more than being some foolish man's wife
Showed me that love was respect and devotion
Greater than planets deeper than oceans
My soul was weary but now it's replenished
Content because that part of my life is finished
I see him sometimes and the look in his eye
Is one of a man who's lost treasures untold
But my heart is gold I took back my soul
And totally let my creator control
The life which was his to begin with
I used to love him but now I don't
So my friend and I were chillin' taking about relationships and divorce and why it happens. We started up on marriage and she asked me if I would get a divorce if I found out my husband cheated on me. My first reaction to this question is always a resounding "YES!" But I stopped for a minute, thought, then said "I would like to say yes, but I can't really say until I'm in that situation, and God forbid I ever am. You never know, if my love for him was strong enough I'd want to trust him again, but I don't know if I'd be able to. And what is a relationship without trust?" She basically agreed with me and we sat their quietly pensive. Then I broke the silence, "I would prefer not to ever know if my husband cheated...but only if I had absolutely no idea whatsoever, no inkling, no suspicions, nothing." She retorted quietly almost as if thinking out loud, "Ignorance is bliss." What would you do though, would you want to know?
Then the conversation turned to marriage as an institution and I wondered out loud "how many of my friends parents that are still married have cheated on one another?" Interesting thought, right? Because most of us think our parents marriages are rock solid, or at least they'll stick it out through the hard times. My friend then began to list her friends parents and who she knew had cheated (her parents were, of course, among the list of parents who would NEVER do that). Then what she said next sort of shook me to the core..."you have to marry a man that loves you more than you love him because then you have all the power and you will be in control of the relationship." I didn't even know what to say to this...I still can't believe she actually said that. I'm sure relationships involve some power struggles, but to base a relationship on who will have the most power seems devious, evil, dangerous, and a recipe for disaster. But then again, maybe I'm wrong.
That's where Lauryn comes in. Her song I Used To Love Him describes how she no longer loves a man who used her and didn't respect her love for him. She gave herself to him mind body and soul and he took it for granted and left her wasted and abused. That is what I imagine will happen if one person has all the "power" in a marriage. I, being the idealist that I am, always imagined a relationship with relatively equal amounts of love where it isn't about who has the power, but is a partnership. Could I really be that off base??
I Used To Love Him Lyrics
As I look at what I've done
The type of life that I've lived
How many things I pray the father will forgive
One situation involved a young man
He was the ocean and I was the sand
He stole my heart like a thief in the night
Dulled my senses blurred my sight
I used to love him but now I don't
I chose a road of passion and pain
Sacrificed too much and waited in vain
Gave up my power ceased being queen
Addicted to love like the drug of a fiend
Torn and confused wasted and used
Reached the crossroad which path would I choose
Stuck and frustrated I waited, debated
For something to happen that just wasn't fated
Thought what I wanted was something I needed
When momma said no I just should have heeded
Misled I bled till the poison was gone
And out of the darkness arrived the sweet dawn
I used to love him but now I don't
Father you saved me and showed me that life
Was much more than being some foolish man's wife
Showed me that love was respect and devotion
Greater than planets deeper than oceans
My soul was weary but now it's replenished
Content because that part of my life is finished
I see him sometimes and the look in his eye
Is one of a man who's lost treasures untold
But my heart is gold I took back my soul
And totally let my creator control
The life which was his to begin with
I used to love him but now I don't
So my friend and I were chillin' taking about relationships and divorce and why it happens. We started up on marriage and she asked me if I would get a divorce if I found out my husband cheated on me. My first reaction to this question is always a resounding "YES!" But I stopped for a minute, thought, then said "I would like to say yes, but I can't really say until I'm in that situation, and God forbid I ever am. You never know, if my love for him was strong enough I'd want to trust him again, but I don't know if I'd be able to. And what is a relationship without trust?" She basically agreed with me and we sat their quietly pensive. Then I broke the silence, "I would prefer not to ever know if my husband cheated...but only if I had absolutely no idea whatsoever, no inkling, no suspicions, nothing." She retorted quietly almost as if thinking out loud, "Ignorance is bliss." What would you do though, would you want to know?
Then the conversation turned to marriage as an institution and I wondered out loud "how many of my friends parents that are still married have cheated on one another?" Interesting thought, right? Because most of us think our parents marriages are rock solid, or at least they'll stick it out through the hard times. My friend then began to list her friends parents and who she knew had cheated (her parents were, of course, among the list of parents who would NEVER do that). Then what she said next sort of shook me to the core..."you have to marry a man that loves you more than you love him because then you have all the power and you will be in control of the relationship." I didn't even know what to say to this...I still can't believe she actually said that. I'm sure relationships involve some power struggles, but to base a relationship on who will have the most power seems devious, evil, dangerous, and a recipe for disaster. But then again, maybe I'm wrong.
That's where Lauryn comes in. Her song I Used To Love Him describes how she no longer loves a man who used her and didn't respect her love for him. She gave herself to him mind body and soul and he took it for granted and left her wasted and abused. That is what I imagine will happen if one person has all the "power" in a marriage. I, being the idealist that I am, always imagined a relationship with relatively equal amounts of love where it isn't about who has the power, but is a partnership. Could I really be that off base??
August 01, 2006
Can People Change?
A friend (lets call her Rosie) and I were talking the other day about another mutual friend (lets call him Franklin) (whom she actually introduced me to), and it was soo interesting to see the different views we had on that one person. I really like Franklin and we relate on a quasi-intimate level between professional and friendship (and I admittedly have some fear and awe for him). We have these quasi-deep conversations but are pretty open and real with one another from my point-of-view. Now Rosie had a completely different experience with him, so she does not even like it when I talk about him. All their mutual experiences seem to be negative from her reaction to the mere sound of his name, either that or old friends are telling her things about him that puts him in a negative light. That being said, we were having a conversation about him and some of his beliefs and apparently I said something about it that Rosie totally disagreed with resulting in her mumbling some incoherent words under her breath. My response was simple "People can change." To which I was given "Yeah, and some traits are part of a person and will never change." In my mind at this point I'm thinking, "Whoa could this guy, who I've been hitting it off with professionally and socially, really have had that big of a negative impact on her and apparently some other people??"
All this to say really that its quite interesting how two different people can view another. And even how different one person could treat those same two people. It made me wonder again how people tick, what makes them do the things they do? Does he treat me one way because he sees ways that he can benefit from our relationship? And treat Rosie a different way because he didn't see how they could have profited from a beneficial relationship? It strikes me as strange that this could be the case, but not totally inconceivable.
Then it makes me wonder about the rest of the general population...do people only befriend people that they think they can benefit from? On some level I think that is true, whether the benefit is companionship, professional advancement, or "benefits". With my relationships though, as I think back I can recall some people that I "befriended" that I didn't benefit from, and to be honest, those were the hardest friendships I've ever been in.
I guess the idealist in me always hopes that people can change.
All this to say really that its quite interesting how two different people can view another. And even how different one person could treat those same two people. It made me wonder again how people tick, what makes them do the things they do? Does he treat me one way because he sees ways that he can benefit from our relationship? And treat Rosie a different way because he didn't see how they could have profited from a beneficial relationship? It strikes me as strange that this could be the case, but not totally inconceivable.
Then it makes me wonder about the rest of the general population...do people only befriend people that they think they can benefit from? On some level I think that is true, whether the benefit is companionship, professional advancement, or "benefits". With my relationships though, as I think back I can recall some people that I "befriended" that I didn't benefit from, and to be honest, those were the hardest friendships I've ever been in.
I guess the idealist in me always hopes that people can change.
July 28, 2006
Emotional Stew
Whenever I think of him I am filled with a combination of excitement and fear. Everytime I see his sweet face my heart begins to flutter, and I can't quite tell if its for fear or excitement...or both.
I am excited at the potential of a great friendship and getting to know him better. You know how you meet people and you want to learn everything about them, the crazy things they used to eat when they were little (grass, paste, dirt), how they interact with their family, what their interests are, how they look when they sleep...ya know.
And terrified of what could happen if he decides he doesn't want to be friends anymore. Or if our friendship grows and my heart becomes vulnerable, what will happen to it if it hits the ground and shatters??
Oh the melange of emotions that accompany new friends...
I am excited at the potential of a great friendship and getting to know him better. You know how you meet people and you want to learn everything about them, the crazy things they used to eat when they were little (grass, paste, dirt), how they interact with their family, what their interests are, how they look when they sleep...ya know.
And terrified of what could happen if he decides he doesn't want to be friends anymore. Or if our friendship grows and my heart becomes vulnerable, what will happen to it if it hits the ground and shatters??
Oh the melange of emotions that accompany new friends...
She's Got Personality
So a guy friend of mine last night told me that a woman attracts the kind of guys for which she projects a similar image. Then proceeded to tell me that I'm not a high maintenance sort of girl, I don't get all dolled up in make-up, but I have a cute face and a great personality.
That's NOT what any girl wants to hear!
Guys, help me out here, what exactly does that mean? Maybe he just doesn't find me sexy...Hmmmm.
That brings me back to this key idea: I'm exceptional good at making male friends, but terrible at finding a boyfriend.
I like having male friends, don't get me wrong. It's way better than having decpetive coniving female friends (but my girlfriends are definitely not like that, they are super cool!). But it bring me to the point: Is there something wrong with being a low maintenance, confident, cute female?
My friend also eluded to the fact that I could be more confident more often because I have all this great stuff going on in my life (great job, great personality, cute face), but I guess I'm not always as confident as I could be. But, keep in mind, this is also coming from a guy that some people don't like because they think he's over-confident and cocky.
I don't know, I'm sure there's a delicate balance hidden in there somewhere...I just have to find it.
That's NOT what any girl wants to hear!
Guys, help me out here, what exactly does that mean? Maybe he just doesn't find me sexy...Hmmmm.
That brings me back to this key idea: I'm exceptional good at making male friends, but terrible at finding a boyfriend.
I like having male friends, don't get me wrong. It's way better than having decpetive coniving female friends (but my girlfriends are definitely not like that, they are super cool!). But it bring me to the point: Is there something wrong with being a low maintenance, confident, cute female?
My friend also eluded to the fact that I could be more confident more often because I have all this great stuff going on in my life (great job, great personality, cute face), but I guess I'm not always as confident as I could be. But, keep in mind, this is also coming from a guy that some people don't like because they think he's over-confident and cocky.
I don't know, I'm sure there's a delicate balance hidden in there somewhere...I just have to find it.
July 13, 2006
Save Me
I lied to save myself from him. I was right about his eyes and the connection that lies therein. He told me.
But he's not for me to have.
But he's not for me to have.
July 09, 2006
Blech...
So the verdict is in...just friends. And I'll be honest, I'm sad about that because we get along so well. The flip side of that is we get along so well, I'm happy that we can be friends still.
Why does it feel like I have this unbelievable knack for picking guys who are unavailable to me? Either they have girlfriends, they just want to be friends, or they'd rather hang with their male friends. What's up with that? It sucks, but alas, I'd rather date a guy who's actually into me, than waiting for him to break up with his girlfriend, convincing him we could be more than friends, or getting him to hang out with me instead of his boyz.
But again honesty prevails...as I write all this trying to convince myself that I'm cool with it, I'm still so torn up inside. You put yourself out there to have something held against you that you have no control over. Perhaps if my parents got married and birthed all of their children five years earlier I would have a chance, but there's no going back in time, and I'm sure its for the fucking best. It just doesn't feel like it right now :-( I'll get over it though, I always do and then think that perhaps it wouldn't be so bad to be single forever...
Why does it feel like I have this unbelievable knack for picking guys who are unavailable to me? Either they have girlfriends, they just want to be friends, or they'd rather hang with their male friends. What's up with that? It sucks, but alas, I'd rather date a guy who's actually into me, than waiting for him to break up with his girlfriend, convincing him we could be more than friends, or getting him to hang out with me instead of his boyz.
But again honesty prevails...as I write all this trying to convince myself that I'm cool with it, I'm still so torn up inside. You put yourself out there to have something held against you that you have no control over. Perhaps if my parents got married and birthed all of their children five years earlier I would have a chance, but there's no going back in time, and I'm sure its for the fucking best. It just doesn't feel like it right now :-( I'll get over it though, I always do and then think that perhaps it wouldn't be so bad to be single forever...
July 08, 2006
Age Ain't Nothin' But a Number
I met this interesting, very sweet, adorable guy a while back (referenced in the last entry), and finally got a chance to go on a date with him. It was remarkable, I must say, because we definitely clicked and had this comfortable open conversation revealing enough to be interesting but holding back enough to stay interested. Now here's the kicker (because there always has to be a kicker doesn't there?) he's older than me. But to my surprise when I discovered this it didn't bother me at all. Quite the opposite actually, I was interested to learn more about him and still quite attracted to him. I don't know why, but I guess in my mind (and the way society portrays things) I imagined that I would have a problem with it, but I really don't at all. And I keep thinking through it, overanalyzing the situation, trying to find the part of me that might at some point be troubled by our age difference, but I cannot find it...and that's okay with me. In fact, it's great with me. The potentially sad flip side of this coin is that he might not be okay with it. And that thought, honestly, breaks my heart. I've never wished I was older more than the minute I stepped off the subway after our date. If that's the one thing I could be just to get to know this guy better, I would do it, but unfortunately I have no control over that, or how he feels about our ages. And in reality, if he doesn't want to pursue anything, that's gotta be cool with me and I would love to still be his friend because he is very interesting and we do get along remarkably well. But a girl's gotta hold out hope that Aaliyah was right and "age ain't nothin' but a number."
June 28, 2006
Off Limits
Have you ever felt like you were totally falling for someone that you absolutely cannot fall for? I felt that the other day, and to be honest, it totally freaked me out! This guy definitely has a girlfriend, and I definitely can't have him, but we have this weird relationship that I have really gotten comfortable with. Oh well, he is not the one and now is not the time.
In other news, I did meet a really sweet guy a couple of weeks ago. He has a little gray hair which I find really attractive, and these amazing brown eyes. There was one weird thing about him though, and that was that he seemed to be hitting on both me AND my friend. Now neither one of us can be certain, but he was totally cute about it. Alas this is always the situation with me anyway. We'll see how it goes though.
Off to atlanta for the weekend to hang with my sis!! So excited, I can't wait.
In other news, I did meet a really sweet guy a couple of weeks ago. He has a little gray hair which I find really attractive, and these amazing brown eyes. There was one weird thing about him though, and that was that he seemed to be hitting on both me AND my friend. Now neither one of us can be certain, but he was totally cute about it. Alas this is always the situation with me anyway. We'll see how it goes though.
Off to atlanta for the weekend to hang with my sis!! So excited, I can't wait.
June 14, 2006
I hate her because I want to be her
Have you ever met someone who is so wonderful and seems to have this very cool life with a fantastic profession that is also their passion and an amazing boyfriend and family and they're so nice and so great and living out all the things that you wish you could have done or could do that you just hate them?!?!
I feel that way.
I mean, this girl is absolutely darling. She's beautiful and thin and living her dream and has a great boyfriend and I am ridiculously unbelievably jealous of her!! Is that bad? She has this freedom about her, like she is able to do whatever she wants and get whatever she wants and I wish I had that. I think that's why I hate her (or I hate her because she's everything I want to be). I want to be her, or at least to feel like I am free to do or get whatever I want.
I think in my mind I am limited by everything about me. I think I have to follow this path that I set out for myself when I was 14 (going to an Ivy League School, getting a big name corporate job, working for a few years, opening my own lounge, getting married somewhere in there, etc) and there is no turning back since I've already set down this path. But I know that's not true and yet somehow it terrifies me to think I can change at what seems this late stage! I can do whatever I want, but it's overcoming that fear that is so difficult. But the meantime is heartbreaking to not be following my dreams and really truly feel like I am doing the thing that I was meant to do in this life. How will I know what that is, and when will I get there?
Hmmm...
I feel that way.
I mean, this girl is absolutely darling. She's beautiful and thin and living her dream and has a great boyfriend and I am ridiculously unbelievably jealous of her!! Is that bad? She has this freedom about her, like she is able to do whatever she wants and get whatever she wants and I wish I had that. I think that's why I hate her (or I hate her because she's everything I want to be). I want to be her, or at least to feel like I am free to do or get whatever I want.
I think in my mind I am limited by everything about me. I think I have to follow this path that I set out for myself when I was 14 (going to an Ivy League School, getting a big name corporate job, working for a few years, opening my own lounge, getting married somewhere in there, etc) and there is no turning back since I've already set down this path. But I know that's not true and yet somehow it terrifies me to think I can change at what seems this late stage! I can do whatever I want, but it's overcoming that fear that is so difficult. But the meantime is heartbreaking to not be following my dreams and really truly feel like I am doing the thing that I was meant to do in this life. How will I know what that is, and when will I get there?
Hmmm...
June 02, 2006
Divorce...
One of the guys I work with let us know today that he is going through a divorce. And while I know that its very difficult to go through (especially since he has kids) my heart is breaking for the guy. I mean, literally, every time I look at him or think about him, I think how terrible and hard it must be, and my heart physically pains for him. I think divorce sucks really, but I also realize that for some people it seems necessary.
Perhaps my heart also pains because of the inevitability of divorce these days. It seems that no ones relationship lasts no matter how long they've been together, how many kids they have, or how much they said they loved each other and would only be parted by death. I hate the thought that that's how it might end (should I ever get married). It seems so tragic. Lifelong love should be just that.
Anyway, I will now gracefully step down off my soapbox.
Perhaps my heart also pains because of the inevitability of divorce these days. It seems that no ones relationship lasts no matter how long they've been together, how many kids they have, or how much they said they loved each other and would only be parted by death. I hate the thought that that's how it might end (should I ever get married). It seems so tragic. Lifelong love should be just that.
Anyway, I will now gracefully step down off my soapbox.
May 26, 2006
Interpretation
The thing about poetry is that it's open to interpretation. I wrote a poem (see below) and it's about this guy I know who is slightly mysterious and draws me in. I like him as a friend, and that's it...I also like his girlfriend, she's a cool girl. The interesting thing (or problem in my opinion) is that all of my friends who read this poem automatically assume that I have a crush on this guy (what are we, in 7th grade, who has crushes at this age??). I don't! I'm definitely intrigued by him and drawn in by his eyes (which is the subject matter of the poem), but no where do you read that I am interested in him as more than a friend...and interesting presumption and misconstrued read between the lines will lead you to a different conclusion, but my whole thing is being honest and telling it like it is, which is exactly what I did here, yet somehow people still don't get it...
Those eyes.
Seemingly unchanging.
Not an expression on his face,
yet something there
in those blue oceans
betrays the stillness of his face
trying hard to read what we think
staring deep into the windows of my soul.
I can see it
a slight twinkle of a smile
only visible through those baby blues.
His face is unchanging
but those eyes...
they draw me in
and at times I find it hard to pull away
a slight smile blatantly giving me away.
I never was much good at hiding my feelings.
Those eyes.
Seemingly unchanging.
Not an expression on his face,
yet something there
in those blue oceans
betrays the stillness of his face
trying hard to read what we think
staring deep into the windows of my soul.
I can see it
a slight twinkle of a smile
only visible through those baby blues.
His face is unchanging
but those eyes...
they draw me in
and at times I find it hard to pull away
a slight smile blatantly giving me away.
I never was much good at hiding my feelings.
May 25, 2006
Devious Underbelly
Have you ever had people in your life whose actions in and of themselves are very nice and caring, but for some reason you doubt the sincerity of their offerings or sense that there is some sort of hidden agenda. I have that with this girl I know, and I can't quite put my finger on why that is (and I also seem to be the only one who notices). Maybe because I've seen her in different situations where her fangs have come out, and have heard the negative undertone with which she speaks about others who seemingly she likes. It's very hard to say. Or perhaps it is my own insecurity and trying so hard not to be fake that I'm projecting it onto her.
May 22, 2006
Temporary Blindness
Have you ever had one of those moments when you temporarily lose sight of who you were once trying to become, even if only for a minute??
That happened to me recently, but luckily that moment was also accompanied by an epiphany! I realized that I get so caught up in what's going on around me and the inconsiderate and oftentimes ignorant things that people are doing (that seem to abound in NYC), that I forget about me. About who I am striving to become as a human being. The ultimate goals that I want to achieve in terms of my personal impact on society and simply becoming a better me. That's a shame isn't it?
But alas, we all get caught up sometimes. I just got caught up for a little too long, but I'm working on it. I remembered a quote this morning right as I woke up that shook me and awakened me back to what I was once trying to be: "...be completely humble and gentle. Be patient bearing with one another in love." I had forgotten! Perhaps because I am rebelling against an institution that once consumed me. That made me think that who I was wasn't enough, so I denied that person, and locked her deep in the recesses of me. And now am afraid to return to anything associated with that time for fear that I will end up denying me true self (the good, the bad, and the ugly) once again. But now I remember that quote that was once my mantra and helped me to become the person that I wanted to be and will once again try harder.
That happened to me recently, but luckily that moment was also accompanied by an epiphany! I realized that I get so caught up in what's going on around me and the inconsiderate and oftentimes ignorant things that people are doing (that seem to abound in NYC), that I forget about me. About who I am striving to become as a human being. The ultimate goals that I want to achieve in terms of my personal impact on society and simply becoming a better me. That's a shame isn't it?
But alas, we all get caught up sometimes. I just got caught up for a little too long, but I'm working on it. I remembered a quote this morning right as I woke up that shook me and awakened me back to what I was once trying to be: "...be completely humble and gentle. Be patient bearing with one another in love." I had forgotten! Perhaps because I am rebelling against an institution that once consumed me. That made me think that who I was wasn't enough, so I denied that person, and locked her deep in the recesses of me. And now am afraid to return to anything associated with that time for fear that I will end up denying me true self (the good, the bad, and the ugly) once again. But now I remember that quote that was once my mantra and helped me to become the person that I wanted to be and will once again try harder.
May 19, 2006
Terribly Single...Part Deux
About a month later, and I am having another one of those moments (from the last post). This time it's more because I want to go out and all my friends are either with their significant others, or forgot to call me back...Booo! So now, I'm stuck on a Friday night with no one to go out with...and I really want to go out. This is one of those times where I wish I had a guy to take me out, or at least just hang out with. Blah! And I'm frustrated that I'm missing a party in the Hamptons because I already have plans :-(.
In other news, it's tough living in Manhattan. You have zero personal space, and I didn't realize how much I need personal space. I think I need a vacation, and although I took a personal day today, it didn't help me get relaxed or get my attitude in check. I am thinking yoga tomorrow morning might help, but alas the first session is at 11am, and I am already committed to helping a friend move. What can I do?? Does anyone have any suggestions on how to stay relaxed and calm in this city, I'm totally open!?!!!
Anyhoo, I'm going to try to relax and enjoy what's left of my Friday night :-/
In other news, it's tough living in Manhattan. You have zero personal space, and I didn't realize how much I need personal space. I think I need a vacation, and although I took a personal day today, it didn't help me get relaxed or get my attitude in check. I am thinking yoga tomorrow morning might help, but alas the first session is at 11am, and I am already committed to helping a friend move. What can I do?? Does anyone have any suggestions on how to stay relaxed and calm in this city, I'm totally open!?!!!
Anyhoo, I'm going to try to relax and enjoy what's left of my Friday night :-/
April 17, 2006
March 06, 2006
Love = Friendship or Sex?
OR
"How can old people get remarried if they can't have sex anymore?"
Two quotes from two very different friends of mine...and food for thought. Take the first one which seems to be a sensible stance on love that persists in the early years of a relationship as well as in the latter years. The second one, however, I can't seem to grasp. I mean, to believe the second line of thought is to say that one cannot have a relationship without sex, which I know to be untrue. Think of those beginning months of a relationship or those people (as rare as they are these days) that save that special intimacy for marriage. Surely they have a meaningful closeness, companionship, and chemistry that is exclusive of sex...at least initially. It also implies that once a couple is no longer able to have sex (assuming they live that long) that their relationship ceases, which would just be downright sad. There has to be a sense of companionship in a relationship for it to really work, doesn't there? And certainly don't get me wrong, I'm not by any means saying that sex is not important in a serious relationship, that would be ignorant, I'm just saying that a lasting relationship should be much more than that if it is expected to work.
Anyway, my two cents on the topic. Leave of comment with thoughts!
March 03, 2006
You'll never know
This is a poem I wrote after watching the Spike Lee movie "Bamboozled". You should see it...its an excellent commentary on black people in TV. Note the correlation between the Mantan show and the Dave Chappelle show, then check out chappelletheory.com There is an amazing correlation, although the two were produced years apart. Anyway, enough babbling...read on.
YOU'LL NEVER KNOW
Don't tell me you understand what it's like to be a black person
Or that you know black people better than me
Just because YOU think wearing oversize or hoochie mama clothes and using incorrect grammar makes you "BLACK".
I don't want to hear it.
You'll never understand what its like to walk down the street and hear someone call you nigger from a pickup truck sporting confederate flags.
You'll never understand why YOU got called to the office in sixth grade when someone called YOU a nigger. Hell, I still don't understand it myself.
You'll never feel what its like to watch the nightly news and night after night only see reports of crimes committed by black people.
Surely there are other people committing crimes in this city or at least other stories worthy of reporting on.
I mean, I sit there hoping that when they are describing a murder or child abuse or robbery that the sketch they show is not that same man with wide nose, full lips, and dark skin, that once, just ONCE a white person would be reported doing a crime in this city.
You'll never understand how my heart aches every time I watch a movie or see a show or even learn about slavery because my heart, my blood belongs to those slaves. That was my grandfather, his parents, and their parents. It's hard to think about without tears welling up in my eyes as my heart breaks for my people.
You'll never know what its like to go to one of the most prestigious schools in the world and look around the classroom day after day, year after year and only see two or three other black faces looking back.
You'll never know.
You'll never understand.
So STOP telling me you're blacker than I am because you think you know about my people or can speak some disjointed slang the ignorant refer to as ebonics!
You don't understand me, you don't understand my people.
So stop playin' yourself and the black race and learn our history...
then maybe you'll "know" a little more.
YOU'LL NEVER KNOW
Don't tell me you understand what it's like to be a black person
Or that you know black people better than me
Just because YOU think wearing oversize or hoochie mama clothes and using incorrect grammar makes you "BLACK".
I don't want to hear it.
You'll never understand what its like to walk down the street and hear someone call you nigger from a pickup truck sporting confederate flags.
You'll never understand why YOU got called to the office in sixth grade when someone called YOU a nigger. Hell, I still don't understand it myself.
You'll never feel what its like to watch the nightly news and night after night only see reports of crimes committed by black people.
Surely there are other people committing crimes in this city or at least other stories worthy of reporting on.
I mean, I sit there hoping that when they are describing a murder or child abuse or robbery that the sketch they show is not that same man with wide nose, full lips, and dark skin, that once, just ONCE a white person would be reported doing a crime in this city.
You'll never understand how my heart aches every time I watch a movie or see a show or even learn about slavery because my heart, my blood belongs to those slaves. That was my grandfather, his parents, and their parents. It's hard to think about without tears welling up in my eyes as my heart breaks for my people.
You'll never know what its like to go to one of the most prestigious schools in the world and look around the classroom day after day, year after year and only see two or three other black faces looking back.
You'll never know.
You'll never understand.
So STOP telling me you're blacker than I am because you think you know about my people or can speak some disjointed slang the ignorant refer to as ebonics!
You don't understand me, you don't understand my people.
So stop playin' yourself and the black race and learn our history...
then maybe you'll "know" a little more.
February 02, 2006
Restless
Have you ever been so restless that you cannot sleep or focus on the tasks at hand? When you try to close your eyes, shut out the light of day, find solace in the sweet dreamland that welcomes you nightly, only to be poked and prodded by the thoughts you are desperately trying to escape? That's the cyclical story of my life. These days I'm running away from thoughts of deep, intense, eternal love...not that I don't want it, I do, but its very confusing. So much so that I care not to think about, but I can't escape.
I watched the movie "In Her Shoes" last night, and like "The Truth about Cats and Dogs" I, of course, identify with the not as cute frumpier sister/friend who thinks that no one could possibly love her. Weird, how that is, huh? But it ends up being a story about loss and love that is actually quite touching. And in the end there is this incredibly moving poem read called "i carry your heart with me" by e.e. cummings:
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
Great poem huh? My first thought when I heard it, then went back and reread it: I want that or a similar poem read at my wedding. Oh, and yesterday as I was listening to Yahoo! Music at work, I heard this Heather Headley song that I definitely want to be the first dance at my wedding: If it wasn't for your love. The cool thing about it is that you can view the lyrics as being about God or your love or both.
SEE! This is what I mean, no matter how I try to escape, I get pulled back in...why am I thinking about my wedding and I have no boyfriend?? Who knows! Ergg...
I watched the movie "In Her Shoes" last night, and like "The Truth about Cats and Dogs" I, of course, identify with the not as cute frumpier sister/friend who thinks that no one could possibly love her. Weird, how that is, huh? But it ends up being a story about loss and love that is actually quite touching. And in the end there is this incredibly moving poem read called "i carry your heart with me" by e.e. cummings:
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
Great poem huh? My first thought when I heard it, then went back and reread it: I want that or a similar poem read at my wedding. Oh, and yesterday as I was listening to Yahoo! Music at work, I heard this Heather Headley song that I definitely want to be the first dance at my wedding: If it wasn't for your love. The cool thing about it is that you can view the lyrics as being about God or your love or both.
SEE! This is what I mean, no matter how I try to escape, I get pulled back in...why am I thinking about my wedding and I have no boyfriend?? Who knows! Ergg...
January 31, 2006
Dreams...
Last night for the first time in a long time I had a dream that I can remember...I got married. Perhaps we can attribute this to all my readings of bridal magazines (in preparation for an interview), online searches for non-traditional engagement rings (out of boredom), and talking with friends of what our weddings would be like, but in any case I had the dream. It went something like this:
I was getting ready, putting on my dress, and I remember feeling that my friends didn't know who I was marrying. I didn't tell them for fear of their disapproval based on past conversations we had about my future husband. There was a slight pang of anxiety there, but I was really happy to be marrying my love and knew that it was meant to be. Then I was with him, both in our full wedding attire smiling and feeling deeply in love, and this guy, my love and husband was none other than my good friend! My friends and family surrounded us all bedecked in beautiful shades of blue, but my friends were stunned at who my love turned out to be. Some with questioning looks in their eyes that betrayed the smiles on their lips. I didn't care though because I knew this was destiny. I was enraptured, enveloped in his gaze, warmth, and love...then I woke up.
It seems highly bizarre looking back on it, but it felt great. What does it mean? Am I secretly in love with my friend? Am I looking for love...lifelong love? Or am I just lonely looking for something to take the feeling away? Who knows...if you can decipher dreams, I'm open...let me know what you think or if you've had any dreams you want to share.
I was getting ready, putting on my dress, and I remember feeling that my friends didn't know who I was marrying. I didn't tell them for fear of their disapproval based on past conversations we had about my future husband. There was a slight pang of anxiety there, but I was really happy to be marrying my love and knew that it was meant to be. Then I was with him, both in our full wedding attire smiling and feeling deeply in love, and this guy, my love and husband was none other than my good friend! My friends and family surrounded us all bedecked in beautiful shades of blue, but my friends were stunned at who my love turned out to be. Some with questioning looks in their eyes that betrayed the smiles on their lips. I didn't care though because I knew this was destiny. I was enraptured, enveloped in his gaze, warmth, and love...then I woke up.
It seems highly bizarre looking back on it, but it felt great. What does it mean? Am I secretly in love with my friend? Am I looking for love...lifelong love? Or am I just lonely looking for something to take the feeling away? Who knows...if you can decipher dreams, I'm open...let me know what you think or if you've had any dreams you want to share.
January 25, 2006
Can you read me?
Sometimes I feel like people don't understand me...
I'm a pretty transparent person in the sense that you can generally tell what I am thinking by the look on my face. But sometimes I think people read those looks incorrectly. I am a thinker, I always have been since as long as I can remember, and my mom will tell you the same thing. And when I'm thinking I have that wrinkled forehead, crease between the eyebrows, worried eyed look, but some people interpret that to be sadness, anger, or frustration. Sometimes a girl is really just thinking. And my intonation...I try to be upbeat all the time, and often times people interpret that as lack of concern or being un-empathetic, I'm not, I'm just trying to put a positive spin on things.
Anyway, thoughts from the peanut gallery...oh, and interesting developments to come soon...don't hold your breath though, you might pass out.
I'm a pretty transparent person in the sense that you can generally tell what I am thinking by the look on my face. But sometimes I think people read those looks incorrectly. I am a thinker, I always have been since as long as I can remember, and my mom will tell you the same thing. And when I'm thinking I have that wrinkled forehead, crease between the eyebrows, worried eyed look, but some people interpret that to be sadness, anger, or frustration. Sometimes a girl is really just thinking. And my intonation...I try to be upbeat all the time, and often times people interpret that as lack of concern or being un-empathetic, I'm not, I'm just trying to put a positive spin on things.
Anyway, thoughts from the peanut gallery...oh, and interesting developments to come soon...don't hold your breath though, you might pass out.
January 19, 2006
What a week...
Again, its been a while, but what can I say, long trying days and short nights with little sleep...
Anyhow, so here's some food for thought: I love reading, I guess I always have, but in college was slightly derailed by all the textbooks. Since college, I have definitely dug in and read a good number of books, my current selection is The Shadow of the Wind by Juan Carlos Ruiz, an excellent read. I'm only about halfway through it, but I love it already. It's beautifully written with a complex intertwining story that keeps me turning the page. I would highly recommend it to anyone looking for a new book. Other favorites are, of course, Nicholas Sparks. I've read all his fiction, leaving only his non-fiction Three Weeks with My Brother. I read the excerpt this morning, and I definitely have to pick it up once I'm done with my current read. I have also started reading Wicked by Gregory Maguire. It takes a little while to get into, but I've been told once you do, it turns out to be a great novel. Oh, and as I've mentioned before, Paulo Coelho has entered my reading repertoire. My next read from him will be Zahir. So as you can see, I have my hands and mind full with books and reading.
I'd be interested to know what any of your favorites/recommendations are. Leave a comment and I'll post the results. Toodles!
Anyhow, so here's some food for thought: I love reading, I guess I always have, but in college was slightly derailed by all the textbooks. Since college, I have definitely dug in and read a good number of books, my current selection is The Shadow of the Wind by Juan Carlos Ruiz, an excellent read. I'm only about halfway through it, but I love it already. It's beautifully written with a complex intertwining story that keeps me turning the page. I would highly recommend it to anyone looking for a new book. Other favorites are, of course, Nicholas Sparks. I've read all his fiction, leaving only his non-fiction Three Weeks with My Brother. I read the excerpt this morning, and I definitely have to pick it up once I'm done with my current read. I have also started reading Wicked by Gregory Maguire. It takes a little while to get into, but I've been told once you do, it turns out to be a great novel. Oh, and as I've mentioned before, Paulo Coelho has entered my reading repertoire. My next read from him will be Zahir. So as you can see, I have my hands and mind full with books and reading.
I'd be interested to know what any of your favorites/recommendations are. Leave a comment and I'll post the results. Toodles!
January 04, 2006
Michigander or New Yorker??
Sorry it's been soo long since I've last written. I've been taking full advantage of my one entire week off of work. I didn't wear a watch, I didn't care what time I went to bed...or got up for that matter, and I most of all didn't think about work as much as possible! It was very relaxing and a little disappointing at the same time.
Why disappointing? Well, people who I thought were my friends basically disowned me from my hometown. Not HS friends, they were wonderful and we had a great time watching the game, catching up, and drinking beer. Mostly other "friends." They kept calling me an out-of-towner when I've spent almost my whole life in Michigan, which really hurt. I guess that's the affirmation I needed to get that New York residency and NY driver's license. Michigan, it seems, is no longer home. It will always be "home sweet home" and the place where my parents live but now, for all intents and purposes, NYC is my home. I guess it's about time, I've lived here for over a year which is longer than I've lived anywhere since I graduated from college.
Anywho, I'll always be a Michigander (hehehhe...Michigeese, get it??) but now home is New York.
Why disappointing? Well, people who I thought were my friends basically disowned me from my hometown. Not HS friends, they were wonderful and we had a great time watching the game, catching up, and drinking beer. Mostly other "friends." They kept calling me an out-of-towner when I've spent almost my whole life in Michigan, which really hurt. I guess that's the affirmation I needed to get that New York residency and NY driver's license. Michigan, it seems, is no longer home. It will always be "home sweet home" and the place where my parents live but now, for all intents and purposes, NYC is my home. I guess it's about time, I've lived here for over a year which is longer than I've lived anywhere since I graduated from college.
Anywho, I'll always be a Michigander (hehehhe...Michigeese, get it??) but now home is New York.
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