Emotional Stew

Whenever I think of him I am filled with a combination of excitement and fear. Everytime I see his sweet face my heart begins to flutter, and I can't quite tell if its for fear or excitement...or both.

I am excited at the potential of a great friendship and getting to know him better. You know how you meet people and you want to learn everything about them, the crazy things they used to eat when they were little (grass, paste, dirt), how they interact with their family, what their interests are, how they look when they sleep...ya know.

And terrified of what could happen if he decides he doesn't want to be friends anymore. Or if our friendship grows and my heart becomes vulnerable, what will happen to it if it hits the ground and shatters??

Oh the melange of emotions that accompany new friends...

She's Got Personality

So a guy friend of mine last night told me that a woman attracts the kind of guys for which she projects a similar image. Then proceeded to tell me that I'm not a high maintenance sort of girl, I don't get all dolled up in make-up, but I have a cute face and a great personality.

That's NOT what any girl wants to hear!

Guys, help me out here, what exactly does that mean? Maybe he just doesn't find me sexy...Hmmmm.

That brings me back to this key idea: I'm exceptional good at making male friends, but terrible at finding a boyfriend.

I like having male friends, don't get me wrong. It's way better than having decpetive coniving female friends (but my girlfriends are definitely not like that, they are super cool!). But it bring me to the point: Is there something wrong with being a low maintenance, confident, cute female?

My friend also eluded to the fact that I could be more confident more often because I have all this great stuff going on in my life (great job, great personality, cute face), but I guess I'm not always as confident as I could be. But, keep in mind, this is also coming from a guy that some people don't like because they think he's over-confident and cocky.

I don't know, I'm sure there's a delicate balance hidden in there somewhere...I just have to find it.

Redemption

Redemption. Maybe friends is OK after all.

Save Me

I lied to save myself from him. I was right about his eyes and the connection that lies therein. He told me.

But he's not for me to have.

Blech...

So the verdict is in...just friends. And I'll be honest, I'm sad about that because we get along so well. The flip side of that is we get along so well, I'm happy that we can be friends still.

Why does it feel like I have this unbelievable knack for picking guys who are unavailable to me? Either they have girlfriends, they just want to be friends, or they'd rather hang with their male friends. What's up with that? It sucks, but alas, I'd rather date a guy who's actually into me, than waiting for him to break up with his girlfriend, convincing him we could be more than friends, or getting him to hang out with me instead of his boyz.

But again honesty prevails...as I write all this trying to convince myself that I'm cool with it, I'm still so torn up inside. You put yourself out there to have something held against you that you have no control over. Perhaps if my parents got married and birthed all of their children five years earlier I would have a chance, but there's no going back in time, and I'm sure its for the fucking best. It just doesn't feel like it right now :-( I'll get over it though, I always do and then think that perhaps it wouldn't be so bad to be single forever...

Age Ain't Nothin' But a Number

I met this interesting, very sweet, adorable guy a while back (referenced in the last entry), and finally got a chance to go on a date with him. It was remarkable, I must say, because we definitely clicked and had this comfortable open conversation revealing enough to be interesting but holding back enough to stay interested. Now here's the kicker (because there always has to be a kicker doesn't there?) he's older than me. But to my surprise when I discovered this it didn't bother me at all. Quite the opposite actually, I was interested to learn more about him and still quite attracted to him. I don't know why, but I guess in my mind (and the way society portrays things) I imagined that I would have a problem with it, but I really don't at all. And I keep thinking through it, overanalyzing the situation, trying to find the part of me that might at some point be troubled by our age difference, but I cannot find it...and that's okay with me. In fact, it's great with me. The potentially sad flip side of this coin is that he might not be okay with it. And that thought, honestly, breaks my heart. I've never wished I was older more than the minute I stepped off the subway after our date. If that's the one thing I could be just to get to know this guy better, I would do it, but unfortunately I have no control over that, or how he feels about our ages. And in reality, if he doesn't want to pursue anything, that's gotta be cool with me and I would love to still be his friend because he is very interesting and we do get along remarkably well. But a girl's gotta hold out hope that Aaliyah was right and "age ain't nothin' but a number."