Off Limits

Have you ever felt like you were totally falling for someone that you absolutely cannot fall for? I felt that the other day, and to be honest, it totally freaked me out! This guy definitely has a girlfriend, and I definitely can't have him, but we have this weird relationship that I have really gotten comfortable with. Oh well, he is not the one and now is not the time.

In other news, I did meet a really sweet guy a couple of weeks ago. He has a little gray hair which I find really attractive, and these amazing brown eyes. There was one weird thing about him though, and that was that he seemed to be hitting on both me AND my friend. Now neither one of us can be certain, but he was totally cute about it. Alas this is always the situation with me anyway. We'll see how it goes though.

Off to atlanta for the weekend to hang with my sis!! So excited, I can't wait.

I hate her because I want to be her

Have you ever met someone who is so wonderful and seems to have this very cool life with a fantastic profession that is also their passion and an amazing boyfriend and family and they're so nice and so great and living out all the things that you wish you could have done or could do that you just hate them?!?!

I feel that way.

I mean, this girl is absolutely darling. She's beautiful and thin and living her dream and has a great boyfriend and I am ridiculously unbelievably jealous of her!! Is that bad? She has this freedom about her, like she is able to do whatever she wants and get whatever she wants and I wish I had that. I think that's why I hate her (or I hate her because she's everything I want to be). I want to be her, or at least to feel like I am free to do or get whatever I want.

I think in my mind I am limited by everything about me. I think I have to follow this path that I set out for myself when I was 14 (going to an Ivy League School, getting a big name corporate job, working for a few years, opening my own lounge, getting married somewhere in there, etc) and there is no turning back since I've already set down this path. But I know that's not true and yet somehow it terrifies me to think I can change at what seems this late stage! I can do whatever I want, but it's overcoming that fear that is so difficult. But the meantime is heartbreaking to not be following my dreams and really truly feel like I am doing the thing that I was meant to do in this life. How will I know what that is, and when will I get there?

Hmmm...

Divorce...

One of the guys I work with let us know today that he is going through a divorce. And while I know that its very difficult to go through (especially since he has kids) my heart is breaking for the guy. I mean, literally, every time I look at him or think about him, I think how terrible and hard it must be, and my heart physically pains for him. I think divorce sucks really, but I also realize that for some people it seems necessary.

Perhaps my heart also pains because of the inevitability of divorce these days. It seems that no ones relationship lasts no matter how long they've been together, how many kids they have, or how much they said they loved each other and would only be parted by death. I hate the thought that that's how it might end (should I ever get married). It seems so tragic. Lifelong love should be just that.

Anyway, I will now gracefully step down off my soapbox.