Structured Dresses in...Baby Dolls OUT!

Ok. I have to vent about this one little thing for a minute: baby doll dresses! Can they be over already! Apologies if any of you wear them, and much worse like them, but I am SOO over the baby doll dress...no, that's not accurate, I was never down with it so I can't be over it.

This type of dress is not flattering on 90% of the people who wear it. Ok, if you're a stick figure or are lacking in the chest endowment area, they probably look cute on you, but for the rest of the population who has breasts or hip or maybe a little tummy, these do not fly. I cannot tell you how many women I have seen wearing these dresses that I wanted to ask, "did you not look in the mirror this morning?" But I have held my tongue. Just because some fashion magazine tells you a style is in does not mean you have to wear it. Women should totally choose clothes that look good on their body type regardless of what Vogue or People Magazine tell you.

Herein lies my problem. In searching for a dress for the summer, then for a friends wedding in January, all I am coming across is baby doll dresses. I don't want that, but I am stuck because it seems to be the only thing people are selling...and in that terrible jersey fabric that shows all your imperfections. No thank you. So I've decided that I'm going to make my first attempt at crocheting a dress without a pattern. Oh, don't get me wrong, I searched for a pattern, but in my head I have already formulated something that I could not find in the store...so I'm going to make it. Hopefully it turns out in reality how I'm imagining it because I really don't have much of an alternative besides the traditional little black dress (that I don't want to wear to a wedding...but will if all else fails). So that's me...I'm using this yarn in a different pattern:



It will be slightly fitted with a small flair at the bottom. And will be paired with a simply black sheath underneath. The upper back will also feature a fun open mesh pattern that will be mimicked on the bottom hem. Very crochet couture if I do say so myself. I am also toying with the idea of wearing a sateen sash as a belt and tying a cute bow in the back. We'll see how it all turns out. My only fear so far is that I might be making it to small, so I am trying to shape it properly. I'll let you know how it turns out. In the meantime, check out this article in the New York Times, and for heaven's sake please stop with the baby doll dresses and opt for the more "structured shapes" of this season.

The Bachelor...degrading to women!

So Adam and I were flipping through channels last night searching for something good to watch on TV (which by the way has become a near impossible task with all the garbage they call programming these days) and we came across the Bachelor...my most hated show. You're probably wondering why I hate this show...or maybe you're not because you've seen it with your own two eyes. Well, let me explain...

If you've been living under a rock and aren't aware of the premise of the show, it is basically to select about 25 women and put them in a house together. These ladies are all there to try to "win" the heart of one man who goes on dates with most of them, sometimes up to 6 of them at a time. And oftentimes it's not just dates, he'll make out with multiple of them (usually not on the same date) and who knows what they do off camera. It's completely disgusting to me. In what real life scenario would any woman subject herself to competing with 3-25 women to "win" the heart of one man.

I've always been of the mind that if a man is not interested enough in me to be dating me only then he's not worth my time. If he can't respect me that much I don't need that. It's already hard enough for women to earn respect in this society and to seek out a companion amid the competition that exists in every day life. Why intentionally subject yourself to more of the same over just one lousy guy...who you don't even know if you'll like!

Complete idiocracy if you ask me. I lose respect for women who would put themselves in that place. Yuck!

geekchicfashion.etsy.com

Hello buttercups. It has been a while, hasn't it? My apologies...life has really taken off with me, but I want to get back into posting. I have two things burning on my mind now, but I'll keep them in separate posts. This one is mostly about my crocheting.

I used to crochet when I was younger...I remember my first project was a lime green elephant that I don't think I ever finished. But when I moved to the big city three years ago I needed some stress releif and my roommate happened to have a boatload of crochet hooks and patterns that she inherited from her grandmother. She let me have free reign over them and thus came my first afgan. I know that might sound boring and old lady, but it's a sweet blue camo blanket that is nice and warm. You'd like it if you saw it.

But now, I've ventured into all sorts of new stitches and patterns including a blood red doily, Conway's scarf, and an Alphabet Baby Blanket (that I've made twice). Most of which have some geeky twist, like they are derived from a mathematical formula, they just look mathematically complex, or they look like wavelengths.

All this to say that I opened a shop on Etsy (an online store that allows members to sell their handmade goods) to sell my work. Please check it out at geekchicfashion.etsy.com. If you see something you like or something that you would like custmized, do let me know. I love to crochet and am pretty fast at it. I will post some of my creations here later.

Happy Shopping!

The Race Issue

I will never cease to be amazed at the degree (or varying degrees) of racism that I am constantly confronted with. Seriously shocked!

So I'm having this discussion with a couple people I know about the recent issue of Time Out New York...The Race Issue. I contemplate not saying anything about anything in the issue (because I will undoubtedly get worked up) but if you know me you know that's virtually impossible. So we get going and there is a page about whether or not people think race matters, specifically in the next Presidental Race. Some of people in the article say no it doesn't matter, but others say "I'm not racist," but a black president won't be able to do the job. Another black man says black people can't have a black president because it's George Bush this and White President that, who will they blame if they have a black president? Now at this point, one of the people we're discussing this with who happens to be half black Jamaican and half Chinese says it's true black people can't have a black president. Now at that, I'm like who are you to say?!? In my mind I'm thinking did you forget you're half black? I told him you can't make generalizations like that, not all black people are like that! Then another person accuses me of making the same generalizations about the black race...to which I kindly, if not aggressively had to remind him that I was NOT saying all black people do not think that way, simply saying some may thing that and some may not, but you can't make that kind of generalization.

I was just so purturbed by the whole thing! It made me think, no wonder so many people are racist against black people (among other races) when black people who are doing well are even negative about their own people! Shouldn't we be helping one another to succeed or something, not just tearing each other down and perpetuating the sterotypes by agreeing with them. I always feel the need to defend the general idea of "my people" because we are never going to get any farther in this country if we don't. It just make me really really sad.

Babies, babies, and more babies

I LOVE babies...they are soo cute and precious! And lucky for me, I get to know lots of them right now. I know more babies that have been born in the last 4 weeks than any other time in my life. So I thought I would share some of their cute little faces with you. Enjoy!

This is precious little Annabella Elizabeth who was born just this Wednesday. Cuter than can be!


This little guy is Zane Arrow, a unique name for a boy who is bound to be just as cool as his parents! His birth day was last Friday, so Happy 1 week birthday buddy!


Her highness, Olivia Grace, ever the thinker at just minutes old. She was born a couple weeks ago at 8lbs 14oz.


And this is Adam and Lio who were born just a month ago. Little twins who like to play box already.


This is my little step-nephew Robert...he was born about 3 weeks ago. Cutie pie and a half. I can't wait to see him in October.

All my little sweeties are cute as can be! I can't wait to spend time with them and hold them and love them. Did I mention that I love babies!

The Church According to Man

Last night my friend told me some disturbing news...that she was asked by her minister to make a choice between her fiance and the church that she attends. It's a long story, but basically she decided that she chooses God and her fiance and if that means leaving the church...so be it.

This is my conundrum with religion. Here you have a person who made a mistake but was open enough to admit that, ask for forgiveness and make changes, but in the other corner you have a minister who is being very critical and talking about how he took a lot of flack for letting her go away and how he prayed for her so much and she disappointed him. My first thought was "this is not about you". This is a about a person and a decision she made and her desire to be close to God, which is still there or she wouldn't be sitting there talking about it with the minister. And his reaction is to be mean to her and talk down to her and think about how he will look in this whole situation. It makes me mad right now just thinking about. When I heard all this I teared up. That someone who claims to be so close to God and portends to lead an entire group of people closer to God would react to this situation in such a way...I was appalled! Literally wanted to cry. I have never been so worked up for a friend in my entire life.

But do you know what this shows me? It shows me that God is God and Churches are human. Churches are run by people who are inherently flawed and prone to make mistakes. We make mistakes in how we react to people, in seeing situations clearly, in thinking of others best interests before our own, in nearly every aspect of our lives. It becomes dangerous when people think they can guide you and influence you by pressuring you to think things that may or may no be true according to the Bible. When they take out the Bible to correct and admonish you by manipulating the scriptures. That's when I can't take it anymore. I may not be a Christian by certain standards anymore, but I read the Bible and I know what's true according to it, and I know when people are using the scriptures to achieve their own means instead of Godly ones and it makes me sick.

I wouldn't encourage my friend for a second to continue going to that church. It is not a place where she can grow spiritually and be encouraged by those around her. Its a place where people are waiting for her to fall...waiting for her to make that mistake that they warned her about so they could say "I told you so". Its not the kind of environment anyone deserves to be in to be honest. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I hope she finds a better church home that encourages her more and uplifts her where her and her fiance can grow closer to God and to each other.

Apologies for the rant, but there are two things I can't stand for in this life - people hurting my friends and family, and people manipulating the Word of God. Just don't go there. You may not believe in God or you may think you know everything about the Bible, but just be sure you use it wisely and keep it in context.

Awkward Friendship

I have this friend with whom it's incredibly awkward.

We were friends a long time ago, then not for a while, not we're back friends now. But because of situations that shall remain unnamed we have developed (or maybe have always had) a weird way of interacting. Back when we were first friends, we hung out a lot and as I remember it had some good conversations while making cookies or eating ice cream and pizza. Aparently my memory is failing me because as we were hanging out recently my friend made a comment like "we never talk about our emotions." And it wasn't just the words, it was accompanied by a look and intonation of slight distain. Like it was my fault and I was inferior because I didn't talk about my emotions with her.

Now lets be clear. Because of the aforementioned unnamed reasons that we weren't friends for a while (and some other incidents that happened subsequently) I decided that I wasn't going to put myself out there with this person because it always results in me getting chastized or condemned. I don't need that. I may not be perfect (heck, no one is), but I'm not damned to hell for not being who this person thinks I need to be. I don't need that kind of burden, so I chose not to share my feelings and emotions with them. That doesn't mean that I'm being fake or not genuine...if you know me you know I'm one to speak my mind...I just don't share all aspects of my life with her. Is that soo wrong? Does that make me a bad person? It probably makes me a bad friend, but in my opinion it takes a while to rebuild a friendship, especially after what we've been through.

On the topic of rebuilding a friendship, I always thought I was the noble one (yes, I know a bit lofty of a word and I don't mean it like that, I just mean the bigger person I guess) because I reinitiated the friendship. I put the past behind me and thought I could take some steps forward by being a good friend, but now it dawns on me that perhaps this friend thinks that she's doing me a favor by befriending me and trying to save me from myself (I don't need to be saved from myself...life is a learning process and you live, you make mistakes, and you learn). I'm hanging out with her soon and after this realization I'm nervous that I'm going to get preached at, and I'm not down for that. I've never been down for that...I don't believe in getting "preached at" and I don't believe in doing that to others because its not helpful. It never helped me or people I know, it only pushes them away. I think thoughtful conversation where both points of view are acknowledged (right or wrong, left or right) is the only way to get anywhere.

I just hope it's not too awkward again when we see each other.

It's been a while...

...so I thought I would give you all an update. I recently got back from a trip to Mexico with my sweetie Adam. It was absolutely beautiful and neither of us wanted to come back. It should be noted that is was a ridiculously nice hotel so we were waited on hand and foot which added to our sentiments of staying, but we had a lovely time overall. We experiences a couple nighttime thunderstorms while standing on our balcony...very romantic. We watched the sunset every night either from the beach or an oceanfront restaurant. And we totally enjoyed each other's company all day without having to worry about going to work or even what time it was. Check out some of our photos:

Sunset in Punta Mita

Moon setting in the morning

Me and Adam

Me and Adam in the sunset

Smooches!!

And in other news, life is generally going well. I've taken up Bikram Yoga which really helps me to relax and get calm. I didn't think it would have such a dramatic effect on my mood, but it definitely does. It's nice though.


And lots of my friends are getting engaged and having babies...Congrats ya'll!! It's soo sweet to see them pregnant or soo happy in love. I just have to keep up with the baby gifts...soo many blankets and cute baby outfits to crochet. Fun!

Insecurity

Have you ever been caught up in one of those moments (that may last hours or days) when everything you do feels wrong or makes you feel guilty?? I'm having one of those moments...

I know that 90% of this is imagined in my head, but lets continue on anyway. It seems that when I try to take time for myself or specify time to spend with friends that I feel like people are judging me. I don't know why all of the sudden this is, but it is. For example, I got off the phone with a friend yesterday because someone made a comment that I interpreted to mean "oh, you're on the phone NOW when its supposed to be our time to hang out" so I got off the phone, only to feel like the person I was on the phone with is now mad at me. Turns out I was wrong on one count, but I still felt bad. Then today a friend called while I was eating and I asked if I could call back, but when I got off the phone, I distinctly felt like the person was mad at me and wasn't going to pick up the phone when I called back. They didn't, but called me back shortly thereafter, assuaging my fears that they were angry with me. Again today when I got home to find my roommate sick and contagious, I kept getting phone calls while trying to catch up with her and I felt really bad that I kept taking them while cutting her off in the middle of her comments. We hardly ever get to spend time together and I spent majority of the time answering phone calls...I'm a jerk (that's how I feel anyway).

Well, the moral of the story is, I'm in this moment having these thoughts, and I can't outrun them! They have kept me awake resulting in this stream-of-consciousness and I want to shake them, but I don't know how. Why am I soo insecure right now, what's wrong with me?!?

It's Paula Deen Ya'll

So I just finished reading Paula Deen's new memoir titles "It Ain't All About The Cooking". And I really enjoyed it. For those of ya'll who don't know, Paula Deen is a cooking show host who has 2 shows on the Food Network and a plethora of cook books. Her two sons also have a show on the Food Network called Road Tasted. I was inspired to read her latest book when AW and I went to see her at Borders. She was just as animated and jovial as she was on her show and I really made me want to know what went on to create this woman.

In reading the book, though, you discover a lot about Paula...that she smokes and swears, that she made some bad decisions in her life, and that she really trusts her gut. She made some leaps of faith and determination that, had I been in a similar situation, I'm not sure I would have made. It's inspiring, but you also see the real side of what it takes to run a restaurant/business, and how she became famous. Overall I would rate the book A-. It's a very engaging read.

The conclusion I have come to where business is involved, is that a LOT of people who have made it hugely big have stumbled on some terribly terrific luck. I met David Bach who wrote Smart Women Finish Rich and other books in that series, and his story is basically that he got lucky in an investment he pursued, made lots of money and retired rich. Now, I personally don't want his advice on getting rich because he really just got lucky. As did Paula Deen in a way, but luck is a mysterious thing, and I'm not discounting it. That said, there are many people out there that truly worked hard to get rich and those are the one's I want to follow. I want to earn what I get...I think then you value it that much more.

Running but going nowhere

Today I feel anxious and unsettled. I feel like I'm running on a long treadmill trying to move forward but the treadmill just keeps going faster and faster and I'm falling more and more behind.

To give you a little background if you don't know, I just planned, coordinated and executed a 800 person pig roast on Saturday. It was not as stressful as last year...until it ended. We ran out of food about an hour and a half before the 5-hour event was over and I felt really bad (perhaps I take these things too personally). I had to refund a couple people's money and a few people had the nerve to get in my face, but they were sadly barking up the wrong tree. I was as nice as I could be though. Anyway, I spent Friday and Monday on site receiving rentals and signing off on pick ups, so I was only on Blackberry and fell quite behind in responding to emails.

So Tuesday I get to the office all prepared to send out ads that were late because I didn't send them before Pigfest and hunker down and review my budget and ticket sales from Pigfest. Lo and behold people start asking me for this and that and the other thing, so I'm trying to get it all done. Oh, and there's a steady flow of emails requesting donations or following up for donations, voicemail, and new phone calls. It's all a bit overwhelming, but I made it through. But today it feels worse. There is no more work than yesterday, but it feels more hectic. I feel like I can't get enough done, and when I finish one thing something else comes. I guess that's work, but it never stops!! It's more the people who don't do what I ask them or don't listen to instructions that get on my last gosh darn nerves! If I say don't leave a voicemail, why must they leave a voicemail that says "I know you said don't leave a voicemail but..." but nothing! If you know what I said please listen to it!

Blech! Sometimes I wonder about people. I love people, I would definitely classify myself as a people person, but sometimes, I swear, people could drive me off a cliff.

Tick, tick, tick

Weird thing today. I've been thinking about life an all it holds for a 25 year old young lady. Well, on NPR this morning they were discussing the risks of getting breast cancer. One thing they noted was that women who have babies in the early twenties are at a significantly lower risk of getting breast cancer, especially if they breast feed. Now that's interesting, but it gives me pause because it sort of seems like you're being punished if you don't have kids in your mid-twenties....by whom, I don't know, but that's how it feels. Then one starts to think "should I have kids to reduce my risk?" but that (especially when put into writing) just seems silly. Mostly because I'm not at high risk for it anyway. That's no reason to have kids either. But now that we're talking about kids, they're terribly cute, and I love them (have for some time now). All of this combined got me thinking about my unconceived babies and I felt the very first pangs of my biological clock ticking! I know that sounds completely ridiculous for a 25 year old, but I come from a place where most of my high school cohorts are already married and on at least child 2...at 25! You start to feel like an old maid around 27 when you're not married, and you are an old maid at 30 if you're not...in my home town at least. I'm not saying I'm itching for it, but for some reason I feel a lot of pressure (mostly internal, I'm not gonna lie). I can wait though, I'm a patient girl and I definitely want to be sure it's right when it happens, but part of me also doesn't want to be 32 when it happens :-/ Whats a girl to do.

My boyfriend is the cutest thing ever!!

CM: well we can do ribs one day earlier.
gibbas: yeah for ribs
CM: hey.
gibbas: yes
CM: You're awesome.
gibbas: um, thanks what'd i do to deserve that?
CM: I just don't tell you often enough how much I care about you and love you, and how much you mean to me.
gibbas: awwww...you are so sweet
CM: bah.
gibbas: hehehe and silly
CM: I just pictured your face going "yes" about the ribs, and thought I should tell you that.
gibbas: hahaha
gibbas: thanks babe...you know i love you too and think you...are...AWESOME!

It's true...he is awesome!

Back from Brazil

Hey kids, I'm back from Brazil! I just wanted to share some photos with you of my trip to see my lovely friend Val, and be the first one to meet her boyfriend Hercules. They are a really really cute couple, and I am pretty sure I'll be at their wedding in a few months ;-) Anyway, here it is:

This is the Cathedral in the center of Curitiba, the city where I stayed with Val. It's about 4 hours south of Sao Paulo driving (1 hour flying).

This is the Opera de Arame (Wire Opera House) outside of Curitiba. It's incredibility beautiful with a waterfall to the left and forests to the right. And it really is made all out of wire and glass!

This is the waterfall the left that I mentioned!

This is a view of the inside of the opera house and the stage.

This is Paseo Publico, a park in Curitiba that has a zoo and beautiful birds and wildlife in it, but is unfortunately known for it's prostitution. If a woman sits on a bench by herself, it's assumed that she's a prostitute and is soliciting men to come sit with her...well, and do a little more than that I guess.

A stork in Paseo Publico.

Beautiful tropical birds in Paseo Publico.

In Brazil, people seem to think that Americans eat these really big breakfasts everyday (thanks Hollywood) and that we consume a lot of bacon. But I discovered, while in Brazil, that it is, in fact, the Brazilians that eat lots and lots of bacon. They have bacon on burgers, bacon on fries....even bacon in popcorn as pictured above!

Jardim Botanico, a beautiful botanical garden just outside of Curitiba.

Me and Val at Jardim Botanico

The sun shining down on Curutiba photographed from Jardim Botanico.

The beach at Coiaba. Very very soft sand and mountains that run right up to the water.

The view from the bus all the way to Coiaba. All mountains and forests, totally uninhabited! Beautiful!

Museo Oscar Neimeyer...unfortunately, it's closed on Monday so we only saw the outside. It's beautiful though, right?

Hercules and Cheago at this yummy Italian restaurant that we ate at the last night I was in Curitiba.

The view of the shoreline from the airplane. No matter what angle you look at it, Brazil is beautiful!

All in all, a very nice vacation and incredible to visit a third world country in it's beauty and vast economic gaps between rich and poor.

Getting out...to Brazil!

From the last few posts, I'm sure you can tell that I am tired, exhausted, and fed up with a lot of the silliness that happens in this crazy big city. There are millions of people here, which means a better chance at coming across someone who will positively impact your life, and a better chance at constantly running into people who will run you down and poop on your day. These are the things we decide to put up with when we move to the city. Personally, I am jones-ing for the suburbs right about now...which is why I am thoroughly excited to be going to visit my dear friend Val tonight in Brazil. I'm staying for a week, and I couldn't be happier!! I need an escape from the city and I'm really looking forward to seeing my friend! The sad part is that I will miss my boyfriend dearly, but he knows this and I know he will miss me too. I can't wait to get there, although I am a little nervous as well because I don't speak much Portuguese, but I think it will be an adventure.

Until then, my friends, adeus!!

Tired

I'm tired ya'll.

I used to love going out and dancing or just hanging out at bars with my friends, but not so much these days. I thought I was just exhausted, but that's not it. I'm sort of tired of the bar scene in NYC. It's tedious, frustrating, annoying, and not that much fun in general. You fight with bouncers to get into subpar bars and clubs only to have stupid underagers spilling their drinks on you and drunk people constantly bumping into you. No thanks. I think I'd rather be a home body. As dorky as it is a fun board game or Wii with good friends sounds way better than a bar these days. I'm down for renting movies and just chilling with fun people rather than paying through the nose for mediocre entertainment. I think the bar scene has worn out its welcome with me. Don't get me wrong I'm sure I'll still go every now and again, but it's definitely no longer my first choice.

People Suck

Have you ever had one of those days where everything seems to be going soo well...maybe too well. You are able to get done the things you need to get done, like the stars are in line or something mystical like that. And then, out of nowhere, enter people who just shit on your day! They either don't do what they're supposed to do, or can't possible do you a simple favor (or ask you to do it nicely) because they are just mean spirited. Why does it have to be like this? Why can't we always be surrounded by people who aren't energy suckers? I hate that I let people put me in such a funk, but damn its hard to fight them off. Sometimes it takes more energy than I can muster...like today.

Girls...girls, girls

Oh ladies. We all know that women are caddy...that's just the way it is. Some of us are less caddy than others, some of us are more caddy than others, but for some reason it is inescapable for us to NOT be caddy.

That said, a friend of mine was telling me this story about how she was sitting around with a couple of female co-workers at lunch chatting it up. Their office is known for employing slightly sarcastic but funny people, who can sometimes take it a step too far. So she's telling me that they're talking about their men, diets, working out, etc and she gets up to get a cup of water and one of the women says, "yeah, your jeans are looking a little tight," and starts laughing. Now, she says it jokingly with this sweet tone like "I'm looking out for you, really I am just telling you the truth", but sheesh, that's harsh and rude and mean all rolled into one. Who says stuff like that!

Then another friend is telling me she works in this office with all these high maintenance late-20s early-30s mostly single women and gay men. And these women are the types who when you get to work in the morning looking a little disheveled because it was windy outside and you didn't have time to put on your mascara, eye liner, lip gloss, lip liner, foundation, powder, bronzer, and perfume, make you feel like a piece of chopped liver. Their "nice" deed of the day is telling you how horrible you look and proceeding to "fix you up." Like you were broken or something. As I'm hearing this story, I'm thinking, "who the hell are these women and they better not come anywhere near me insulting my looks unless they want to retract their bitchy little hands a few fingers short!"

It just makes me think, a lot of women do/say these things in the name of being funny or "helping" you, but really in their heart of hearts what they're saying is, "you're fatter than me" or "you're ugly right now" or "your face isn't good enough all alone." It's just wrong. I hate it when women do stuff like that. It's precisely the reason I wasn't in a sorority and do my best not to live with the extreme caddy girls. Blech...!

I Love You

I'm having a dilemma...I love writing blog posts, no matter how passe they seem to have become. The current topic occupying most of my thoughts is the new beau, and while I'm not sure if he's stumbled across my blog yet, I feel a little weird writing about my feelings on the subject and not telling him first. Should I just share my blog with him so it's out in the open? Perhaps he has already come across it? Should I continue to write openly about my feelings regardless of what the subject? I'm not sure. I don't want to offend him, but I also want to keep it real for you all...

That said, I need to share this one thing...I think I love him...I can't put it in words, and am afraid he's not ready to hear it yet. As usual I came across a song that expresses how I feel for him exactly. It's India Arie, and the song in "Simple"..here it is:

"Simple”
Now that you're right here,
Let me whisper in your ear
Now that you're listening,
Let me tell you how I feel
I've been trying to formulate
The perfect words the perfect way
I can't hold it back no more
I gotta let you know today
Its

[Chorus]
Simple (What more can I say)
So Simple
I Love you (What more can I say)
Simple (What more can I say)
So Simple
I Love you (What more can I say)

Now that you're listening let me tell you what I need
Now that your holding me let me show you what I mean
I've been trying to analyze
just what it is I fill inside my heart
But now I realize it don't have to be so hard
Cause it's

[Chorus]
Simple (What more can I say)
So Simple
I Love you (What more can I say)
Simple (What more can I say)
So Simple
I Love you (What more can I say)

[Bridge]
Once the power is for real
And I gonna say it again
And again
I Love you
I Love you
I Love you
I Love you
I Love you
I Love you

Now you know how I feel
Tell me what are you gonna do
Now that I've said the words
Tell me what do you have to lose
I know that you feel it to
I can see it when I look into your eyes
You're scared, but you don't have to be
It's alright cause it's

[Chorus]
Simple (What more can I say)
So Simple
I Love you (What more can I say)
Simple (What more can I say)
So Simple
I Love you (What more can I say)

I know...it's weighty and I am aware of that. Read it fast and while you can because I might have to hide it soon...

Tribute to My Forefathers...Thank You

In tribute to Black History Month, I thought I would repost this blog. If it wasn't for many great Black people in this country's history we wouldn't be where we are today. I wouldn't be able to openly have a relationship with my white boyfriend, I likely wouldn't have been able to go to Penn for school and I probably wouldn't have the job I have today. Lets not forget that, this shortest month of the year that has been dedicated to Black History.


This is a poem I wrote after watching the Spike Lee movie "Bamboozled". You should see it...its an excellent commentary on black people in TV. Note the correlation between the Mantan show and the Dave Chappelle show, then check out chappelletheory.com There is an amazing correlation, although the two were produced years apart. Anyway, enough babbling...read on.

YOU'LL NEVER KNOW

Don't tell me you understand what it's like to be a black person
Or that you know black people better than me
Just because YOU think wearing oversize or hoochie mama clothes and using incorrect grammar makes you "BLACK".
I don't want to hear it.
You'll never understand what its like to walk down the street and hear someone call you nigger from a pickup truck sporting confederate flags.
You'll never understand why YOU got called to the office in sixth grade when someone called YOU a nigger. Hell, I still don't understand it myself.
You'll never feel what its like to watch the nightly news and night after night only see reports of crimes committed by black people.
Surely there are other people committing crimes in this city or at least other stories worthy of reporting on.
I mean, I sit there hoping that when they are describing a murder or child abuse or robbery that the sketch they show is not that same man with wide nose, full lips, and dark skin, that once, just ONCE a white person would be reported doing a crime in this city.
You'll never understand how my heart aches every time I watch a movie or see a show or even learn about slavery because my heart, my blood belongs to those slaves. That was my grandfather, his parents, and their parents. It's hard to think about without tears welling up in my eyes as my heart breaks for my people.
You'll never know what its like to go to one of the most prestigious schools in the world and look around the classroom day after day, year after year and only see two or three other black faces looking back.
You'll never know.
You'll never understand.
So STOP telling me you're blacker than I am because you think you know about my people or can speak some disjointed slang the ignorant refer to as ebonics!
You don't understand me, you don't understand my people.
So stop playin' yourself and the black race and learn our history...
then maybe you'll "know" a little more.

They Know Not What They Do

I have an aversion to this girl...

You're probably thinking, "that's no big deal, people have aversions to others all the time." But this is different. Everytime I see her picture I cringe and think, "I can't stand that girl!" And this all goes back to middle school and high school. We had some caddy teenage girl disagreements, and I have to say (not out of conceit or arrogance) that I think she was jealous of me back then and trying to sabotage me in an underhanded way. And I have not gotten over it. She did deceitful, ugly things back then, even if no one believed(s) what I have told them about it and for some reason I can't let it go. Perhaps because there was (nor ever has been) any sort of acknowledgement or apology for the underhanded deeds. Whatever the case, I still don't like her, don't want to see her, and can't stand her to this day. (Yes, it may seem caddy and insignificant to most, but it affected me...the things people do to others, no matter what stage in life, do affect those around them, oftentimes leaving an irreparable mark).

Reminds me of some lyrics in a Lauren Hill song "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us, although them again we will never never never trust."

Here are the full lyrics because it totally reminds me of our turbulent relationship:

Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us
Although them again we will never, never, never trust

Dem not know what dem do, dig out yuh yei while dem sticking like glue,
Fling, skin, grin while dem plotting fah you,
True, Ah Who???

Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do

Beware the false motives of others
Be careful of those who pretend to be brothers
And you never suppose it's those who are closest to you, to you
They say all the right things to gain their position
Then use your kindness as their ammunition
To shoot you down in the name of ambition, they do

Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do

Why every Indian wanna be the chief?
Feed a man 'til he's full and he still want beef
Give me grief, try to tief off my piece
Why for you to increase, I must decrease?
If I treat you kindly does it mean that I'm weak?
You hear me speak and think I won't take it to the streets
I know enough cats that don't turn the other cheek
But I try to keep it civilized like Menelik
And other African czars observing stars with war scars
Get yours in this capitalistic system
So many caught or got bought you can't list them
How you gonna idolize the missing?
To survive is to stay alive in the face of opposition
Even when they comin' gunnin'
I stand position
L's known the mission since conception
Let's free the people from deception
If you looking for the answers
Then you gotta ask the questions
And when I let go, my voice echoes through the ghetto
Sick of men trying to pull strings like Geppetto
Why black people always be the ones to settle
March through these streets like Soweto

Like Cain and Abel, Caesar and Brutus, Jesus and Judas,
Backstabbers do this

Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them father for they know not what they do

It took me a little while to discover
Wolves in sheep coats who pretend to be lovers
Men who lack conscience will even lie to themselves, to themselves
A friend once said, and I found to be true
That everyday people, they lie to God too
So what makes you think, that they won't lie to you

Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them, forgive them
Forgive them father for they know not what they do
Forgive them, forgive them

Gwan like dem love while dem rip yuh to shreds,
Trample pon yuh heart and lef yuh fi dead,
Dem a yuh fren who yuh depen pon from way back when,
But if yuh gi dem yuh back den yuh mus meet yuh end,
Dem noh know wey dem do,
Dem no know, dem no know, dem no know,
Dem no know, dem no know wey dem do

Stay Focused

It's hard to stay focused on one's relationship when one is constantly getting the opinions of other (warranted or not, sought out or not).

I like to think that I am a pretty level headed woman, not given to acting irrationally or not taking valid, relevant advice to heart. That said, I feel like everyone has an opinion on my current relationship. Well not everyone, just a couple of people, but it's like..."Who asked you anyway?" I take my sister's advice seriously because she is my sister and she knows me better than anyone else, and I take my mom's advice seriously because she's my mom...wise and seasoned. There are a couple of others that I consider deeply, but on the whole if I want an opinion on something, I will seek it out (different people have greater knowledge of one subject over another).

I feel like some of these opinions I'm receiving are coming out of jealousy. Some friends that have always had boyfriends but are now single are being feisty because I am spending a lot of time with the new beau. Who cares? I'm not, not spending time with them, and when they have had boyfriends they are more MIA than I am currently. That sort of opinion I don't take seriously.

Then there are those who "don't want you to make the same mistake I did." Well guess what? I'm not living my life for you. The way most people learn and how many great discoveries are made is through mistakes. Not that I'm seeking them out, but let me make my own. I'm more rational than most women my age, and way more cautious (for better or worse), and I'm tired of living life in a bell jar so as to protect myself from potential things that may or may not even happen to me. We get one life on this planet, and I think it's very important that we live it to the fullest trying to experience all that it has to offer (not to a ridiculous extreme, but live a little, right). I appreciate that people are concerned but advise me because you are sincerely worried about me, not because you are jealous or don't want me to mess up like you did, that's not what a REAL friend would do.

Envision

Have you ever felt like you've finally found yourself in this place that you'd envisioned for so long??

That's happened to me a couple of times. Once on my first New Year's Eve in NYC. I was working with NYC2012 and we were coordinating this whole big Olympian thing at the 9 o'clock hour with 12 Olympians presenting awards to 12 young athletes. And we got VIP passes so we could move around in Times Square without issue. So as midnight approached, we all gathered outside in the center of Times Square to watch the ball drop and as it did confetti showered down like snow from ALL the surrounding buildings. It was soo amazing and surreal. At that moment I knew that things were just as they should be in my life. I was finally in the right city doing the right work to advance in my career and hanging out with really fun amazing new friends.

I had that feeling again this morning as I was doing my hair thinking about Adam. I feel like I've envisioned myself in a place spending time with a quality person/significant other that was just so comfortable and easy, and I have that now. And its weird because I have always seen couples around me and thought, "that's not really how I want to be with my boyfriend," or ,"that seems a little weird and forced." (Don't get me wrong, I have also been witness to relationships that were comfortable and relaxed where you could tell the two people loved each othr very deeply). And now that I'm in a relationship I realize that it is exactly what you make it to be, especially if you are real. With Adam, I feel like I can be myself, say what I truly feel, and be who I really am, more than with anyone (perhaps with the exception of my mom, sis, and bro). He makes me smile and laugh and think and want to make the world a better place as corny as that is. And he puts me at ease. Its all the things I imagined that a relationship should be, but thought I was being to idealistic to have because of what I saw and heard in other relationships. I'm happy to be where I am right now...very content. There are even small glimpses of the future...

Worry Wart!

Then he responds and I feel better than I could imagine...

I worry too much!

It ain't easy

Being in a relationship ain't easy! Not that I thought it would be, but I guess I never realized how much my worrying nature would effect me and my outlook on various situations. I feel like a nutcase sometimes! Why can't it just be soo easy, and why can't I be less emotional?!?!?! Damn estrogen!

Something else besides my worrying nature that I noticed is that recently I've been intimidated by confronting situations that bother me. Even with a friend of mine who was being completely obnoxious (but didn't realize it)...I wanted to say something to her, but I couldn't bring myself to. I would think about it, and want to do it every time I saw her, but I couldn't. And now the same goes with the beau. Sometimes I want to ask him questions but I'm afraid that he'll freak out and think that I'm inferring that I want something or other (which if you know me, I'm not...and if you know my questions, you could see why he might think this). I am pretty straight forward, so start to stumble over my words when trying to explain something in a way so as not to offend, freak out, or side-track someone. It's silly, I know, but reality.

I guess I just gotta be out with it (no matter the order of the words) because what is a relationship if you can't truly say what's on your mind?