Awkward Friendship

I have this friend with whom it's incredibly awkward.

We were friends a long time ago, then not for a while, not we're back friends now. But because of situations that shall remain unnamed we have developed (or maybe have always had) a weird way of interacting. Back when we were first friends, we hung out a lot and as I remember it had some good conversations while making cookies or eating ice cream and pizza. Aparently my memory is failing me because as we were hanging out recently my friend made a comment like "we never talk about our emotions." And it wasn't just the words, it was accompanied by a look and intonation of slight distain. Like it was my fault and I was inferior because I didn't talk about my emotions with her.

Now lets be clear. Because of the aforementioned unnamed reasons that we weren't friends for a while (and some other incidents that happened subsequently) I decided that I wasn't going to put myself out there with this person because it always results in me getting chastized or condemned. I don't need that. I may not be perfect (heck, no one is), but I'm not damned to hell for not being who this person thinks I need to be. I don't need that kind of burden, so I chose not to share my feelings and emotions with them. That doesn't mean that I'm being fake or not genuine...if you know me you know I'm one to speak my mind...I just don't share all aspects of my life with her. Is that soo wrong? Does that make me a bad person? It probably makes me a bad friend, but in my opinion it takes a while to rebuild a friendship, especially after what we've been through.

On the topic of rebuilding a friendship, I always thought I was the noble one (yes, I know a bit lofty of a word and I don't mean it like that, I just mean the bigger person I guess) because I reinitiated the friendship. I put the past behind me and thought I could take some steps forward by being a good friend, but now it dawns on me that perhaps this friend thinks that she's doing me a favor by befriending me and trying to save me from myself (I don't need to be saved from myself...life is a learning process and you live, you make mistakes, and you learn). I'm hanging out with her soon and after this realization I'm nervous that I'm going to get preached at, and I'm not down for that. I've never been down for that...I don't believe in getting "preached at" and I don't believe in doing that to others because its not helpful. It never helped me or people I know, it only pushes them away. I think thoughtful conversation where both points of view are acknowledged (right or wrong, left or right) is the only way to get anywhere.

I just hope it's not too awkward again when we see each other.