Being at work, but not working

I don't understand why companies make you work the three days between Christmas and New Years. In my particular field there is absolutely nothing to do. It's 10am, and I don't have anything to do. I suppose I could clean my desk, but truth be told, I hate cleaning! I could organize files on my computer (booooring!), or something else. I am making a deck for our advertising and communication strategy for 2009, but that can't really be finished until my boss is here...and he's not. So we come back to it...why do we have to work on these three days?

If you can think of something inconspicuous for me to do today and tomorrow, let me know. I am actually thinking about taking the day off tomorrow. Blah.

Lack of Communication

I have learned some things during my tenure here. Mainly about communication and lack thereof. Most importantly, lack of communication not only causes stress, but it COSTS MONEY! It results in redundancy in work, in re-purchasing of supplies, and general angst among co-workers. How can one plan without full knowledge of what's happening. Without even partial knowledge!

This is something that causes me personally great stress. I try not to let it...hey it's only Christmas decorations...but I am failing miserably! If you had a lot of stuff stored away amongst, say 15 people, would you send one person to just throw stuff away they thought we didn't need?? Or would you ask the people who's stuff it was to come and cull through their belongings to get rid of stuff they knew wasn't being used? I would choose the latter! Why are all the Christmas decorations gone? Did someone who knew what we used throw them away? NO! Because I'm the only one who uses them, and no one asked me. I used almost everything in those boxes and no one asked me before throwing things out. So dumb. And I suppose I should go get more so we have have a festive holiday party in two days...I think NOT! I'm not doing that crap! I bought stuff last year that just got thrown away this year...I'm not buying it again. What a waste!

I hate waste and I hate ignorance!

Seeing yourself

It's funny...the things we get upset about in other people are the usually the things we don't like about ourselves. I hate it when people belittle me or others, but sometimes I find myself doing the same thing, and lament the words once they exit my mouth.

Its tough, but I think seeing the things we dislike about other people can help us better ourselves little by little.

I don't like mean me.

It hurts me to have to be so frank (what I sometimes think is rude) to people who are soliciting my business. I hate being rude, but sometimes people don't respond to anything different. It makes me feel bad inside to have to speak to people that way, and when I hang up the phone I feel like a bad person. I don't like that. I don't like being that kind of person. I just want to work somewhere where I can feel good about majority of my interactions and know that it is going to be a place that makes me a better person, not tears me down. Is that too much to ask? It just might be huh?

Well, I can tell this is the beginning of a mood :-( Poop on hormones! Why can't things just work out ALL the time so I can be a happy little cookie! Oh, yeah, that's right because its real life. I gotta learn how to cope.

I can do better

I dislike this more and more each day. People who talk to me like a moron. People who insinuate that I'm dumb because I don't agree with their very simple way of thinking or acting. People who get mad at me and give me the silent treatment (are we not adults here). People who just plain make me a worse person. Ok, well that may not be entirely true. People cannot make you into anything but they can influence you, and I think I have been influenced negatively and in a detrimental way. I am getting out. It will take a little time to work out the details, but the wheels are in motion and I am getting out. It raises my blood pressure and increases my anxiety to be in a place like this, and I cannot have that. I need my blood pressure to go up because I am soo excited and passionate about what I am doing...not because I am frustrated with the lack of deeper thought and control of language all around me. I can do better than this for myself. I know I can...and I will.

Travel, travel, rest, travel some more

I'm having a hard time here. I want to go all these places to visit, but I'm running out of vacation days. I'm trying to sneak in trips on weekends, but it is getting exhausting. I need to figure out where I want to be, but I feel like I need to see these places first.

Sorry if this all sounds vague. In a few months I'll hopefully be able to be more clear on this topic, but for now this is what I can offer. Can I buy vacation days from someone? I guess I could buy them from myself and not get paid, right...that's basically the same thing. I wonder if that will work.

Anyway, I'll let you know where my next adventure takes me.

Random Thoughts and Gym Time

Hey buttercups! It's been a while since I wrote, and I don't know what to tell ya. Life has been all-consuming these last few months and I have hardly had time to breathe. I did though, or else I wouldn't still be here of course! But things are going pretty well. I've been thinking a lot about the future and where I am headed next. That keeps me up at night to say the least, but at least I am taking steps towards making a positive change in my life so I can come home from work happy and content that the work I'm doing is not only benefiting the company but changing the world (if only even in the slightest way). I look forward to telling you all about the results of those adventures, but it will have to remain a secret for now.

In other news...I'm getting fat (according to BMI I am obese, but lets be honest, I am pretty strong and muscular to begin with, but I definitely weigh more than I should). For whatever reason I can't seem to fit gym time into my schedule anymore. I used to be really diligent about gymmin' it, or at least running, but now by the time I get home (6:20pm when leaving work at 5pm) I barely have the desire or energy to do anything but study or watch TV. I would love to be one of those people who thoroughly enjoys running and gets out there every day knowing it will make them feel good...but alas, this is not me. I am one of those people who exercises because intellectually I know its good for my heart muscle and keeps me from gaining weight from all the ice cream I love so dearly. But alas, the ice cream is winning these days...I've even cut back (say WHAT?!!) because I know I don't exercise as much as I should. Anywho...if you know any ideas for helping me fit exercise back in my life or motivating me in some way I would LOVE to hear from you...even if you want to be my gym buddy...even if you live across the country and want to be my long distance gym buddy...let me know.

Hilarious!

I'm soo done.

I'm soo done working with people who operate in a bizarre way that defies logic, reason, and rational thought. Not all of them mind you, a special few.

In business school you learn to make decisions that reach a goal efficiently and effectively maximizing the time and efforts of everyone involved. Currently I work in an environment where little to no consideration is given to what would maximize time to create an effective solution. Someone thinks of something then does it, then a week later someone else thinks of the same thing and does it again. There is little communication. There is little thought given to how to coordinate tasks/projects to combine multiple people's interests to produce one cohesive efficient result. It's infuriating.

I never knew having good, efficient, sharp top management could effect an organization soo much, but it really does. It's fascinating. I gotta get out.

People people

I used to think I was a people person and I got along with all different types of people. I know now that this is categorically untrue. I do get along with most people, but I do not do well at all with stupid people. Being especially grumpy today, it's really hitting home with me. I don't like when people think they're slick and try to pull one over on you, when really they're completely transparent. I don't like when people make stupid decisions about who does what jobs when. I just don't like it. I'm sure I've fallen into these categories at times, the later at least, (perhaps that's why I dislike it so), but it really gets on my nerves. Teamwork is so important but a HUGE lack of communication across functions make the whole system breakdown. Idiocy at its best.

That's my rant. Take it as you will, please help me make smart choices so we don't have to pay stupid tax anymore!

Tired and exhausted

I'm soo tired...and there's soo much on my mind...too much. I can't even focus on work right now. I just want to go sit in a quiet place with no distractions, no TV, no dog, no noisy neighbors, just peace and quiet. Can I go back camping? Why does my mind work soo overtime, I hate it. I wish it would just shut up!

But alas, it is what makes me who I am...for better or worse. Oh and did I mention another one of my friends is getting married this weekend. I love you buttercups, but I really don't think emotionally I can handle another wedding. I mean, I know I will because I adore my friends and I would want them to do the same for me. But it will be an uphill battle not to turn into a crazy person. Eh...exhaustion.

Just so you understand here is the wedding schedule for 2008/2009...so far:
1/12/08 Wedding in MI
5/25/08 Wedding in Brooklyn
8/23/08 Wedding in MI
8/23/08 Wedding in NY (missed this one)
9/13/08 Wedding in Brooklyn
9/27/08 Wedding in Upstate NY
11/5/08 Wedding in Scranton
5/2/09 Wedding in MI
5/23/09 Wedding in DC
5/29/09 Wedding in CA

Can you see why I'm exhausted?

Addiction

I think I've developed an addiction to yarn and yarn crafts...eeks! I bring my yarn with me on the subway (its a long ride to and from work) and all day at work when I glance down at my yarn bag, I just want to pick up my project and work on it. It take more will power than I ever thought to resist the urge to just start crocheting at my desk during the day. That's bad, right? Maybe I should have a career in yarn, not beer :-/

Frustration

Why is it that some people do not understand very simple things? If I send you something you ask me for, why not review it, come back to me to talk through it for futher ideation/brainstorming, THEN go to someone else for more insight. Nope, not so much for me. I just get bypassed in all the middle steps and it drives me NUTS! Something I don't think is going to change here anytime soon, which makes it seem pointless for me to stay. Well, of course I'll stay, but it doesn't make it any less frustrating! Why would someone so consistently overlook someone else and not even realize it. Is there some interaction I am missing? Am I supposed to be doing something that I am not? Should I not get so upset about this? I can't not get upset about this because it hinders my professional growth.

I guess I just have to go back to one of my favorite quotes "Don't wait. Go get 'em. No one's giving you anything. You want to wait, you'll be waiting a long time - by yourself." -Dana Wade, SpikeDDB

On the flip side of that quote is: "To earn respect you have to do more than just order people around. The key to being a good leader is to work harder than everyone else." - Paul Cayard, Champion Sailor

Patience is a virtue...that i

Patience is a virtue...that i don`t posses right now. I`o definitely trying to learn because it would benefit me greatly.

What color is your parachute?

I am aqua #00FFFF

Your dominant hues are green and blue. You're smart and you know it, and want to use your power to help people and relate to others. Even though you tend to battle with yourself, you solve other people's conflicts well. Your saturation level is very high - you are all about getting things done. The world may think you work too hard but you have a lot to show for it, and it keeps you going. You shouldn't be afraid to lead people, because if you're doing it, it'll be done right. Your outlook on life is very bright. You are sunny and optimistic about life and others find it very encouraging, but remember to tone it down if you sense irritation.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

That's pretty right on about me I think. What about you all, what color are you?

Our Garden

This is Adam and my garden in our backyard. Yep kids, we have a backyard in NYC, very rare but true. We decided to try our hands (or green thumbs) at growing some veggies of our own to reduce our dependence on grocery stores, especially considering the rising prices and uncertainty of tainted food. It's going pretty good so far.


Our maters (aka tomatoes) are growing like crazy. We don't have any flowers or actual tomatoes just yet, but they should be coming in the next few weeks we expect. Our peppers are doing well too. I think I spotted the first sign of a little baby pepper today...soo exciting!


Anyway, I just wanted to share. Oh and that cute little dog is September.

Assistant...I think not.

Something I just realized about myself...I would be a great personal assistant if that in any way satisfied me.

Reality...it doesn't. What sparked this thought? Well I confirmed a beer delivery for one of our "executives" cohorts and he emailed said "executive" back and wrote "I received a call from your assistant on Monday confirming the order." Ooohhh...turns out I'm not an assistant. I have too much attitude and too many opinions for that, but if my heart was set on it, I'm certain that I would do a superb job.

The thing is, I just need to find something that I can set my heart on. It ain't this, that's for sure...but what is it?

An Itch

I have an itch to start something, but I don't know what...

And I don't mean another crochet project or reading another book. I want to start a business/organization. To have something to call my own. To make a tangible impact on the world (selling beer isn't really cuttin' it). I have all these ideas with Adam about what that could be, but we can't translate anything into a tangible plan yet. The one that most fits with our vision for the future is a eco-bed & breakfast and learning center. A place where people can come for a relaxing healthy vacation, and also to learn a little about what it means to grow your own fruits and veggies and to leave this earth how we found it or better. That makes an impact and I think it would be very cool. Ok, I admit, it would be a little granola of us, but what better way to live off the grid, give back to the earth, and teach others how to do the same while providing an escape for them as well.

Anyway, I just wanted to share...

Stanford Visit

So I visited Stanford today, and these are the things I saw. It's a beautiful place with well manicured lawns and immaculate architecture.



When it gets hot outside people tend to play in the fountains...with their floaty toys.







This is Hoover Tower...it looks like a penis.







and bikes...people lock them, but not to anything in particular.

Happy?

I know this girl, who is moody...ok, all women are moody, I've come to this realization lately. But perhaps this is more than moody. Life situations affect her soo dramatically including sleep deprivation, over-eating/starvation, compulsive behavior, etc. The only reason I bring this up is because recently she said to me that she was in a good mood and really happy, but not an hour later there she was bemoaning this, begrudging that, and belittling Joe Schmoe (for the sake of discretion). How can you be in a good mood and still be soo negative? Is that possible?

I've been trying to surround myself with positive things, positive people, positive activities and have a positive outlook on every situation. This girl does not help. The only thing I could do was walk away. It must be soo exhausting being soo negative all the time.

I think true happiness shows itself in our actions, not our words. I once read a quote that said "A Happy Person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes." I believe that wholeheartedly, and I'm trying to live it fully.

Peace

I have been thinking a lot lately (perhaps too much, if you know me) mostly about myself, where I am in life, what I should do next, and ultimately what I am meant to do with my life. It's all very challenging, although I think most people struggle with the same questions on some level or another.

What I've come up with is that I need more positivity in my life. I think I've fallen into this thing where I criticize other people a lot (I see the speck in another's eye, but do not see the plank in my own), and it really brings me bad feelings. I say something that may be true about someone else, but immediately after I say it I feel bad. So I've resolved to stop this. There is a saying that goes: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." No matter who I meet, how they treat me or how they react, I want to see that and be sympathetic, understanding, forgiving. I feel like I've lost that lately. I'm striving to move in that direct, I'm not a perfect human being, but I can always try to be a better one.

I've also decided to take one day at a time and try not to worry as much as I do. In Matthew it says: "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." It's so true, and I am going to try my best to let each day take care of itself and be the best person I can from day to day. It won't be easy, to be sure, but all I can do is try.

Avoid Conflict

So here's the thing kids...after being asked a question in a survey("Please describe a difficult situation with a senior leader that you had to resolve. What was the situation? How did you resolve it?") I discovered that I think I avoid conflict. I don't think I ever used to do that. I think people would describe me as a person who usually confronts things head on and takes the bull by the horns, but recently this is not so. I was trying to think of an answer that fit that question, and I drew a blank...not because I didn't have any conflicts, but because I haven't confronted them in recent memory. That's soo sad. That makes me sad. When did I become this person? Why has it come to this? This is soo not me.

At the gym the other day, this personal trainer was yelling at me because I was in some part of the gym reserved for personal training (although it was empty) and I wanted to use the free weights (the only place in the gym with free weights). She told me I couldn't use the space, and I told her I would move if anyone came in and needed to use it. She just kept repeating herself, and I repeated myself. Deciding it was futile to argue with her, I grabbed the weights I needed and proceeded to do my exercises. She yelled across the gym for her manager who took her sweet time to come over to get me out of there, but by the time she was there I was done. It made me soo mad at the time that I just had to go. I couldn't even speak to her because I was afraid of yelling and screaming and making a fool of myself, which I do not love. I told myself when I calmed down I would call the gym and express my complete shock at how I was treated since I pay over $90/month to work out in the WHOLE gym. I never did.

What is this all about? Am I just to angry in general that I avoid confrontation for fear of lashing out on someone? Have I just become complacent so I don't want to deal with stupid or ignorant people anymore? I don't really know...if you have any thoughts on the matter, please leave me a comment...

My First Knitting Project

So I wanted to chime in and give you all an update on my first knitting project. So if you know me, you know that I am a die hard crocheter! But I went to the store with a friend of mine and decided I wanted to try a knitted project, so I bought some needles. I'm making this sweater that is deemed easy by it's website, and the stitch is...the fit, however is not. I've discovered recently that fitting knit and crocheted tops (let alone bras) when you're well endowed is not the easiest of tasks. Previously, I had been making patterns straight from books, sort of wondering why they didn't fit right, but wearing them anyway because I thought they were soo cute...now that I've joined Ravelry I've discovered that you can modify patterns to be shaped more appropriately to your body.

This is really not happening with my first knit project though. I'm still trying to master holding the needles and yarn correctly (which is quite different than crochet I might add). So I had the size that fit my bust measurements (L, or 40" bust) and when I finished the back it is like 23" wide...my back is maybe 17"...so I have to frog it (unravel the whole thing) and start over, perhaps making a size small or medium back...I'm not sure. I am pretty sure I need to make a size large front to cover the girls, since I don't know how to do short rows yet or make any shaping.

Who knows...this is where I'm at so far, so I wanted to share.

My First Handmade Dress

So I decided to make this dress for my friend Val's wedding because all of the dresses on the market are babydoll dresses...and you other "well endowed" ladies out there know that wearing those just makes you look pregnant. I'm not really down for that, and I hate that I couldn't find a dress that flattered my lovely hour glass figure. The flip side of that is that I was motivated to make a dress for myself, which turned out quite like I imagined it. Here's the sketch so you can see what I envisioned before I started:



This is a crocheted dress (in case you're not familiar with my craft) and it is made with Caron's Simply Soft yarn in Heather Gray. I used about 6 skeins to complete this dress. In creating this dress, I didn't use a pattern, but knew I wanted something warm and beautiful. I didn't want to look like a 5th grader in my dad's sweater.

I crocheted from the bottom up and tried it on as I went. I used my own measurements for waist and bust shaping and used a nice lace pattern from The Crochet Bible for the back details and bottom edging. I'm in love with this piece and trying to think of a reason to wear it again!

Yarn Club

So me and my girls got together this Sunday for our first Yarn Club. I've wanted to do this since I found out that all these ladies that I knew could knit and crochet...who would have thought! I thought I was the lone old soul among my friends, but this turns out not to be true. So we got together (in true New York style) at a bar on Sunday afternoon to sip hot spiced apple cider and knit and crochet to our hearts content. It turned out really well and inspired a lot of us to start new projects and come back to the art after a long hiatus. Success all around. Above is a photo of all of us and our projects (minus me...I'm taking the picture). We're meeting every other Sunday so if you're interested give me a shout, we'd love to have you!

I'm also planning on keeping you updated on my projects (mostly free form and modifications of other patterns to fit "the girls") via photos and short descriptions so you can see what I'm up to. Hope you enjoy!

Resolutions

I have only in the past couple of years started to make New Year's Resolutions. You can find my post here on my resolutions for last year. Most of them were successful...well, now that I re-read them, only two were successful and three were not. I am adopting the three unsuccessful one's for this year again:

1) Take advantage of the gym membership that I already pay for (either by working out 5 days a week or taking a class at the gym)

2) Tone my arms and abs

3) Work on having a more positive outlook on life and not being soo "snarky".

And adding a couple:

4) Not getting so stressed out/moderating that stress better (via breathing exercises or yoga at home)

5) No more swearing

6) No whining

I'm hoping I can stick better to these this year. I think I have caused myself a lot of grief by not moderating my own stress levels. I'm trying to stay healthy to avoid getting type 2 diabetes and heart disease and I realized that staying stressed so much can cause high blood pressure and lead to a heart attack. I don't want that either, so I have to live my life better. I'm trying and it feels like I'm trying soo hard, but I bet I could try harder.

Working out for me is a HUGE release, so I'm going to try to do that more, especially when I get worked up or stressed out. I want to focus on my abs and toning my arms also. I have noticed in the past year that my body has changed shape...crazy, I know, but it's true. I used to have trouble getting my athletic thighs into jeans (always made for girls with non-muscular legs), then the waist would always be too big. Now, I can fit into jeans that I couldn't even pull over my thighs, but I have a hard time buttoning them. I think my thighs and legs have gotten smaller and my middle-section has gotten larger....poo! It's weird. I just need to workout more.

Anyway, those are my New Year's Resolutions. If you're my buddy and you're reading this, please help me to keep them in whatever way you can. I'll help you with yours too if you share them with me.

Until another day!