BLoG aLL aBouT iT

Interesting Wedding-ness

2011-07-05T18:43:00.003-04:00

I have to admit, planning a wedding is quite interesting. Not what I imagined it would be, per all the Hollywood buzz and hoopla, but eye-opening, patience testing, and sometimes fun. I also have to admit that I thought most people viewed weddings much like I did, where these people have been an important part of your life so you want to be there to witness this momentous day...I was wrong.

Now, don't get me wrong, I understand that everyone has lives that cannot be put on hold for me and my wedding, but it is interesting to see who can shuffle life around to make it to NC, and who can't. I know some of it is unavoidable...like having a baby two weeks after the wedding, but it kind of makes me sad the lack of effort put in to making it to my big day. Maybe that's just me bitching after attending 13 weddings in 12 months all across the country, but I guess I could have said no to some of them. But I wanted to be there to witness my friends special moments. I guess it simply illuminates the importance of friendships and who's there for you and who isn't. Maybe not entirely, but it is a telling glimpse I think.

Part of it also makes me wonder if I was that guest that people invited thinking I would decline...you know that B list guest that you invited because they were friends with a group of other people. I wonder....but not too much because that's not a very fun thought.

Anyway, all that aside, I am excited to celebrate my big day with my fiance in 46 short days. It doesn't matter what dress I wear, or how many people are there, just that friends and family celebrate with us on this beginning day of the next chapter of our lives together. Gibbs Out.

In Kenya

2011-04-11T15:53:00.002-04:00

Today was my first full day in Kenya, and what an experience! I will definitely say that I was prepared for much worse than what I saw and experienced. Not to underplay anything that happened in Kibera (the largest slum in Kenya) but people living there seemed quite entrepreneurial. There were many many many shops along all the streets we walked on that sold everything from underwear to vegetables to cellphone SIM cards. It was amazing! I mean, people always talk about the slum like people are disenfranchised and unable to help themselves, but on some level what I saw in Kibera defied that stereotype. Don’t get me wrong there was plenty of stinky “sewer” muck because no infrastructure exists for the sewage to be drained off, and there were people who seemed worse off than others, but overall it seemed like a functioning community. There was even electric wires and poles throughout the whole community! That amazed me the most! I was expecting abject poverty, and what I got was a glimpse of people who are making the best of the circumstances they’re in. Perhaps they don’t see a way out, or the way out seems unattainable, but they are making it day to day, if only that.

Carolina for Kibera is trying to perpetuate this theme. They seek to empower those who feel like they don’t have the means to advance. They seek out people (or rather, people seek them out) to work on community programs, often as volunteers, to strengthen the youth and give them an opportunity to advance and be the bext leaders in the community of Kibera or elsewhere. It was cool! I was pleasantly surprised.

Enjoy some of our first day photos below:

Annie and the rainwater recapture system at our hotel

The stoves we're analyzing for Carolina for Kibera's "green charcoal" initiative

One of the main streets in Kibera

All the tall people stuffed in our tiny matatu

Our matatu (aka VW van with 4 rows)

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2011-01-24T16:12:00.001-05:00

Fabric for my table runners

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2011-01-10T18:27:00.001-05:00

Pot pie engagement style!

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2010-12-09T20:47:00.001-05:00

Karaoke night at KFBS! Featuring Kris kros by Tillman legacy!!

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All things in due course

2010-10-12T15:20:00.002-04:00

Today has been quite a good day. Not over the top amazing, but a good solid day.

After three weeks of contemplation, I went back to see my nutritionist and we talked about why I was stuck losing weight...turns out, I have a good body image and don't so much want to lose weight. The flip side is that with a family history of high blood pressure losing 5% of my body weight will dramatically reduce my chances of developing high blood pressure (for which I almost already have pre-hypertension). That (being health and wellness reasons) is a good enough reason for me to get my butt into gear and lose weight.

The other part of our discussion revolved around stress...which is manifesting itself in a LOT of bad ways in my life right now. I've taken up yoga for stress relief and meditation to help minimize and prevent stress if possible.

Here's the interesting part: I was going to grab lunch today at Wendy's, but decided at the last minute to get Carrburritos instead. When I walked up to the door (a door I have visited numerous times before) I noticed there is a Meditation studio upstairs...hmmm...interesting coincidence. Then after I ate, I asked the woman who worked there if she knew anything about the studio. Turns out she is a yoga instructor and is interested in visiting the meditation studio as well. She gave me her card and hopefully we will practice at the same time.

Now there are several ways to view this interesting string of events, and I count myself blessed to be able to recognize many of them:

1) It is a mere coincidence that all of these events would transpire on the same day at a time that I was open to seeing them
2) The universe is conspiring to help me lead a more peaceful life by leading me to lunch at a place near a meditation studio with a waitress that teaches yoga who also wants to practice meditation.
3) God has moved in all these people's lives so that our paths would cross, and led me to lunch at Carrburritos so I could discover the meditation space.
4) I simply happen to be aware of opportunities to grow personally because I have been talking a lot about yoga and meditation so I finally realized there was a studio in a place I visit regularly, and had the foresight to ask one of the waitresses about it.

Frankly, I don't care much about the reason. I'm glad to have had these experiences conspire upon me today, and will hopefully have the will power and wherewithal to take action on them.

Chapter Ending

2010-10-07T07:44:00.003-04:00

I've never really thought about the end of chapters until the beginning of the new one had already begun. But alas, that is not the case these days. I realize with business school coming to a close in 8 short months and me needing to get a job that I am writing/living the end of a pretty interesting chapter.

In this time, I have learned a ton about myself, including strengths, weaknesses, insecurities, and points of pride. However, in this moment, anxiety is overtaking me. Anxiety about if I will find a job (everyone keeps saying, yes you will, but how do they really know). Anxiety about whether or not people truly like me or if they're just being phony because we're supposed to build our networks. Anxiety about if I'm leading my team effectively or if they all think I'm a do-do! Anxiety about whether or not I have burned "political" bridges by being the outspoken woman that I am.

I think too much.

What I'm coming to learn is that some things are within my control and some things are not. A no-duh for most of you. The things that are outside of my control benefit none from my stress and anxiety so I must let them go. Those things that are within my control deserve some attention, but not all my energy because I would never get anything else done (like coursework and spending time with the bf). So this is basically the serenity prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; And wisdom to know the difference. I'm working on wisdom to know the difference today.

So help me out if you see or hear me stressing about something that is not within my control. I'd like to be a bigger, better, braver, stronger, more humble human being, but alas...this takes work, time and wisdom.

Amazing...just the way you are!

2010-09-30T14:22:00.002-04:00

Have you ever heard a song that you just had to have and when you finally get it you just listen to it over and over again?

Well, that's me and Just the Way You Are by Bruno Mars. I woke up a few days ago with this song stuck in my head and have been listening to it ever since.

It's especially nice since today felt like a career search victory and I bought 2 new pairs of shoes. Love it...having a good day and feel amazing just the way I am!

Are we there yet?

2010-09-28T15:49:00.002-04:00

Oh to have a job and earn money.

I always thought it would be cool to go back to school and be out of the workforce for a bit, but I think a year is all I really needed. I find myself wanting to return to work for a bit more consistency of routine. Don't get me wrong, I have learned an amazing amount about myself, my life goals, my interpersonal skills (and lack thereof), but I am aching for an environment where I have some choice over who I am surrounded by. I'm tired of getting crazy looks for saying what is on my mind. I'm tired of people who don't have similar courtesy values or open minds. I'm sad that not very many people get my sarcasm. I thought I was not very sarcastic, and hated it in NY when people would be overly sarcastic with me, but I guess it rubbed off somehow. Now I find myself in the opposite chair. Saying things that I quickly regret because it was misunderstood. Negotiating complicated relationships that involve power struggle, control and ego. I am definitely struggling for my own power and control and trying to quell my ego through this whole experience too.

Just wish I had a job and was done already...that's all.

Pardon my vent.

So over this.

2010-09-22T11:35:00.001-04:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

That is it.

I miss my homies!

2010-06-24T15:06:00.003-04:00

I miss my homegirls right now. I just got two great emails from two different friends and it reminded me how much I love spending time with them and just chatting until the sun comes up :-( I definitely have to make a better effort to stay in touch and visit my friends now (NYC ladies) and when school ends (UNC peeps).

Having a summer break and being in different places definitely feels different than in undergrad. I remember going away from my friends then and diving into my internships, but I don't remember it feeling like this. Maybe I'm just being overly emotional today, but I do miss them.

Anywho, that's all for now. Miss you my people!

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2010-06-22T23:04:00.001-04:00

Our kitchen almost done.

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Nutrition Adventure

2010-06-21T14:28:00.003-04:00

I've embarked on a new adventure. One where I try to treat my body as it should be treated in relation to health and fitness. Enter my nutritionist. A wonderful woman...patient, caring, knowledgeable, understanding, and most of all interested in helping me live healthier. She listens to my crazy ramblings about eating hand-fulls of candy in the afternoon and counting cleaning as an exercise and gently reminds me of the implications of the actions. Adore her patience and persistence.

But alas, this is not quite the cakewalk that I would hope for. Turns out self control is a challenge, and also understanding portions, not only of food but of sub-components of that food (read: fat, protein, carbs, fiber, etc). All challenges for a woman who loves me some carbs (55% of my diet was carbs per my food journal, not bad but should be more around 40-45%). The best thing about my nutritionist though is that she is not asking me to count carbs or specifically count these food components. She's trying to teach me a way of intuitively eating healthy by first understanding the portion sizes, then sub-component portion sizes and picking foods that fit into my daily requirements for those. It takes practice that's for sure.

What have I learned thus far:
1) I now know what a serving size looks like (smaller than you would think)
2) I am constantly taunted by the jar of candy in my bosses office (its almost as though I can hear it laughing at me when I walk past)
3) I have to prioritize true exercise in my daily routine for at least 45 minutes
4) Eating healthy really does taste pretty good (I had a turkey sub on whole wheat for lunch with tons of veggies that I wouldn't normally eat and no dressing and it was delish!)
5) Pre-packing my own snacks helps me more easily practice healthier eating habits
6) Understanding my food helps me understand that what society sometimes calls bad is not necessarily that bad for me if eaten correctly (correctly=appropriate portion size)

Overall, I'm enjoying learning what it means to eat more healthfully. I would encourage anyone who's insurance will cover it to go to a nutritionist. It is amazingly helpful in understanding food in a way no one really ever teaches us.

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2010-06-11T15:30:00.001-04:00

One of the last structural pieces to get ready for move in! Window fixed!

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2010-06-03T20:40:00.001-04:00

Its official! We have a mailbox!

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2010-05-31T19:24:00.001-04:00

Our new car!!!

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2010-05-25T17:41:00.001-04:00

Adam and I are officially homeowners!!

Oh business!

2010-05-13T16:00:00.004-04:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I'm going to do after business school. People keep asking me and I always make something up that sounds impressive, but is somewhat untrue. I'm not certain where I want my career path to take me at this point, but there are several things that I do know:

1) I don't want to sit at a desk 8 hours a day 50 weeks a year
2) I want to do something that has a direct positive impact on people's lives
3) I don't know how to navigate corporate politics...and frankly don't want to

The last point particularly is what's tripping me up. I have noticed that not only in my past jobs, but also in business school I am not quite adept at navigating the politics of the system. I am a very frank person and speak my mind...I try to do it tactfully, but sometimes fail, we all do. I just never know when I should be honest and when I should be "diplomatic". I also try to be a fair person and put a very high premium on fairness in any environment from lining up to get on an airplane to promoting people. It means a lot to me.

In light of this, I find myself desperately wanting to work for myself or work at a company that embraces the same values as I do. Unfortunately from all the business types that I speak with it seems that such a place doesn't exist...leading me back to option one. I think option one is a good one with a lot of risk, but if I can start a venture backed company with a strong exit strategy then start a lifestyle business afterwards, I think I could be on to something...

...or I could work in the performing arts which I have always loved!

Anyhow, if you have any words of wisdom or insight, feel free to dispense them freely in the comments!

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2010-05-10T10:30:00.001-04:00

Composting at Emory University,s school of public health graduation.

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2010-05-10T08:36:00.001-04:00

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Leave it Better Than You Found It

2010-01-09T22:33:00.003-05:00

Through a seminar on Strategic Corporate Social Responsibility I was asked to describe my personal social responsibility (PSR) strategy. I explored my own core competencies, core objectives, and life goals and came up with this poem to express it all creatively:

Leave it better than you found it

Live BIG.
Bigger than you ever dreamed…
…with smaller footprints in your wake.
Footprints shaped by your actions,
and inactions.
Act WISELY.
With wisdom to rescue what we once had,
the natural beauty and bounty of this earth.
Act NOT on false wants,
society's pressure to have more and be more.
Be but who you are.
Through you we can all be different.
Affect CHANGE.
Change that shakes others
to their very core.
Change that challenges the very ideals
on which we base our existence.
Do not OBEY.
Do not SETTLE FOR LESS.
We have but one life.
One opportunity.
One earth.
She is more delicate
and resilient
than we all give her credit for.

Don't want to die young

2010-01-05T10:10:00.003-05:00

So I went to the doctor to explore some wrist pain after a bike accident I had and discovered for the third time that my blood pressure was slightly elevated. What that means is that I have prehypertension. I'm not a big fan of this, and know that high blood pressure runs in my family, so I am determined to do everything in my power to make sure I don't have a heart attack young. The only prescription (without taking drugs) is to exercise 30 minutes a day. I hate running, but without my bike currently its the only option I have. I got up early today and ran for 30 minutes in the cold North Carolina morning. And I will be doing the same every other day before I ride to school.

It really actually freaked me out knowing that I could get high blood pressure. I don't want to die young, but the only cure is to exercise and lose weight. The idea of losing weight makes sad. I hate deprivation, but I guess I just have to reframe it. And wouldn't you know the morning that I am determined to start my new eating habits, one of my group members brings Krispy Kreme doughtnuts for breakfast. I guess its a real test. I haven't eaten one yet, but we'll see. Being fat is not on my list of things to do for 2010, and I am in fact still 5lbs lighter than this time in 2009, so I guess that's good.

Anywho, if you want to help motivate me in some way, I'm open!

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2010-01-04T08:01:00.001-05:00

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2010-01-03T22:22:00.003-05:00

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2010-01-03T22:22:00.001-05:00

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2009-12-25T19:25:00.001-05:00

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2009-12-25T19:24:00.001-05:00

Ornaments for Christmas!

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I'm soo ready to go

2009-12-23T17:44:00.001-05:00

I'm soo ready to go home (to see Adam that is). Being the only child home sucks! And the pangs of being a child of divorce suck!

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2009-12-21T11:02:00.001-05:00

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2009-12-21T11:01:00.001-05:00

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2009-12-21T10:59:00.001-05:00

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2009-12-18T08:10:00.001-05:00

My future car in a junk lot in carrboro.

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Crash!

2009-12-09T03:13:00.002-05:00

Today I fell off my bike for the first time...as an adult. I was riding to class with a box in a bag hanging from my handlebars and I just plain got tangled up and ended up on the asphalt in the middle of an intersection. Good thing it was right in front of the hospital and a police officer happended to be directing traffic right there.

Its a weird feeling crashing on my bike. I wasn't embarassed, I wasn't really hurt, I was actually kind of proud. Bizarre, I know. But its like conquering a fear, riding on the street is always scary because of cars, the rain, etc, but this fall shows me that I can survive. Not that I will everytime, but that it's not the end of the world this time.

It's also ironic that my first crash was caused by none other than yours truly. I'm always worried that I'll get side swiped by a car, or left turned into when cars aren't paying attention to me, but nope. I will crash because of my own ignorance and lack of preparedness. Silly girl!

I'm happy that it happened the way it did with no cars behind me to run me over and a slow speed. Sadly as the hours pass my body gets more and more sore. I woke up at 11:30pm (yes I went to sleep at 8:45pm because i was exhausted) and now I can't go back to sleep. I discovered that I have a fabric burn on my right shoulder likely from where my sweater pulled as I slid across the street. I have a bruise on my left shin. My neck is now sore (think whiplash) My wrist is getting more stiff. And I managed to get a scrape on my right elbow through my sweater (which is still in one piece).

Quite the stresful morning to be sure. I'll be glad when I'm home in by BF's arms. That's all I look forward to these days.

MLIA

2009-12-09T02:41:00.003-05:00

I have found a new love for mylifeisaverage.com. So many of their posts make me feel less like the lone ranger out here in life! Like this:

"Today, my mom told me that PMS is like a dementor. It sucks the happiness of everyone around, but chocolate makes it all better. MLIA"

I also have to confess, everytime I read MLIA I say "my life is AWESOME" in my head. I also secretly think of MLIA moments throughout my day. Love it!

Hormones :-/

2009-12-05T15:35:00.002-05:00

I hate hormones! I thought I had fought them off this month, but alas...watching wedding dress shows made me lose it! (Along with snarky emails from classmates) Hopefully some changes next month will make it better. I just can't make any big decisions in the next few days because I am not clear minded.

Blech! I hate this and really want sugar.

Where does this leader fit in?

2009-12-04T02:19:00.003-05:00

Seems that I can't sleep a lot lately. Not so much fun with all this work to do. Tonight what's plaguing me is the same that's been pulling at me for the last few weeks (except when I was home with the bf...he seems to put this stuff all in perspective) what kind of leadership role do I want in school? If you know me you know I always gravitate towards leadership roles. I want them. I like them. I'm good at them. But here something is different. I feel like I know myself better, yet I find myself fighting losing battles often. It's not the type of environment where I know that I can be the most effective that I can be. It brings out frustration, which is something I am working on, but leading in that type of environment won't allow me to be effective or make the best decisions. I think the reality of the situation is that I need to find what I am passionate about and not just lead for leaderships sake. It's gotta be that thing that makes me talk fast, get animated, make my heart beat fast. What is that? I mean I LOVE sustainability. I am really interested in diversity issues. I hate babying people and babysitting people which it increasing feels like I have to do. Perhaps I need to take a back seat to leadership (cha, right...if you know me that's virtually impossible...I'd sooner create something for myself to lead than lead nothing).

I told myself when I came here I was going to trust my instincts and something about whats going down doesn't feel right to me. I'm ok with that...well not okay with it, but I know enough to remove myself from it. There are certain people that just don't seem right, and I don't want my name associated with them. There are others that you can tell are good people. Now don't get me wrong, my intuition is by no means the end all and be all, but it generally steers me right (and when I don't listen, I go wrong).

I just need to decide what I want to do and stop tormenting myself about it. I need to be at peace with the thing I decide to pursue. What is that, you wonder? Very good question. If I knew exactly at this point I may let you know, I may not. I just need to work it out first.

Never again...seriously. Are we children?

2009-11-13T23:43:00.001-05:00

Never again...seriously. Are we children?

Is having a terrible horrible

2009-11-11T18:29:00.001-05:00

Is having a terrible horrible no good very bad day!

Eeks...I need exercise

2009-11-10T09:24:00.004-05:00

I can tell when I need to exercise. It just plain simple...I get grouchy and cranky and I think its because I get stir crazy. I need to be outside exerting some physical energy. Sadly my illness has kept me off the roads (biking) for the past week, and it looks like rain for the next several days. Then there's Cornell, so the next ride will likely be Sunday night or Tuesday morning weather permitting. We'll see though.

All I can say is I started knitting for the first time during school...that's not a good sign at all. I gotta get out!

It warms my soul to

2009-11-05T09:52:00.001-05:00

It warms my soul to walk down the street and have complete strangers smile and wave while driving past. I love NC.

What is good business?

2009-10-18T16:20:00.002-04:00

Over Fall Break (from business school for those of you who haven't heard) I started reading a book called Just Good Business by Kellie McElhaney and it is a very intersting and useful read. I started it and got halfway through in the first sitting. The basis of what she discusses is how to align corporate social responsibility strategy with brand/business strategy. It is really telling so far and brought up things I have observed, and now notice, but never really put together. One thing that I thought was really smart was the idea that your CSR strategy should align with the core competencies of your business if you want it to succeed, and not simply be something that an executives spouse is excited about.

I won't give away her examples, but a great one I thought of on my flight home was our school's major community service project. We are a business school who's core competency should be business and our community service project is Habitat for Humanity. Now, don't get me wrong, I volunteer for Habitat and no one would question whether it is a worthy cause, but it may not stick (or students may not buy in) because it is not our core competency. Maybe if our major community service project was a partnership with an organization striving to empower small businesses with appropriate business tools, or to equip the underserved with business skills so that they can enter the workplace, that might make more sense and truly align with our core competency.

So when I was reading this I was very skeptical at first, especially coming from working at a Brewery most recently. What cause aligns with a Brewery? I mean, we can't possible work with AA, that's just cruel. So what would it be? I thought of a couple of answers, but I'm not going to share...they have to think about it themselves. But in examining various cause groups that I support I was able to come up with various companies for whom it would make tremendous sense for them to partner with. Brilliant insight from Mrs. McElhaney. I will definitely be taking her class if she continues to teach as an adjunct professor. Good work!

I'm trying to be better...

2009-08-25T23:18:00.004-04:00

...I really am! People continue to call me the wrong name and I try to rationalize it. I try to put myself in their shoes. But no matter how hard I try, I end up with either feelings of anger or intense sadness. Am I so generic in their eyes that they cannot even be bothered to remember my name? Do they really think all black women look alike? Why can't they just remember, or at least ask me again? I truly have never had this experience before, and it is beginning to color my experience here. It worries me about my professors being able to remember who I am when giving out class participation grades. It worries me about the potential work environment that I could go into post B-school with these (types of) people. Will they not remember my name? Will I be unanimously lumped with the other black women in my office (if there are any)?

And the wild thing here is that its a different person every time. That should make me feel better, since its not just one person continuously calling me the wrong name, but in fact it makes me feel worse. If it was one person, I could write it off as an ignorant person who has racist tendencies. The problem here is that it is many people one or two times. So they make their mistake, but they learn and I shouldn't be concerned, right? Well look at it from my perspective...if out of a class of 300, 5% get my name wrong, that's 15 people. Over the course of 21 days, 15 people have gotten my name wrong...and not just wrong, they've called me the wrong black woman's name (which in my opinion is more egregious). That's almost every day for three weeks. It grates at my very last nerve, and it takes everything I've got not to blow up at each additional person that calls me out of my name.

I'm certain that my reaction boils down to not feeling respected (although I'm sure that's not anyone's intention), but the real question is what do I do about it. Do I continue to be that nerd who wears my nametag everyday? Perhaps. Do I say my name before I ask any question in class so profs and classmates alike remember? Probably not because thats completely obnoxious. But what DO I do? I honestly am at a loss with this one. What a situation! I almost cried on the way home just thinking about it. Blech!

A Day of Learning!

2009-08-19T17:44:00.003-04:00

I learned some interesting things about myself today. I discovered that respect is one of THE most important values to me in every way (read: I got so annoyed that people were calling me the wrong black women's name because to me it indicated a lack of respect for me in not taking the time to distinguish between us).

I also learned that I am big on inclusion...I want people to feel like they're a part of the bigger group and not to feel left out (its the reason I plan weekly gatherings for my Carrboro peeps, and get frustrated when people form smaller exclusive groups...like the "cool kids").

I also learned that by recognizing when I am getting emotional in a work/school situation, I can think about what is motivating that feeling, what my triggers are, and how I can manage that (read: I wear my emotions on my sleeve, and that may be misinterpreted by others, so I need be aware of when its happening and manage it).

Overall a very personally productive day!

I really didn't realize

2009-08-12T08:37:00.002-04:00

It has become glaringly obvious to my how truly underrepresented African American Women are in business. I guess my mom always set me up to do my very best, and not to worry about what has been done before but to blaze my own path. I feel like I have done that for the most part in my life. But venturing back into graduate business school, meeting many new people (of whom only a handful are black, hispanic, and native american), trying to figure out my career trajectory and researching companies, it has hit me like a mack truck that I could very well the THE only African American in my workplace when I leave here. Now that might not seem like news to anyone else. In fact, it shouldn't seem like news to me because I just came from a work environment where this held true in the office. But for some reason at this point in my life it makes me a little worried.

Let me first say, though, that it may be because I experienced a phenomenon that I have never before experienced in my first couple weeks in NC. I would introduce myself to people, and days or even hours later they would call me a different black woman's name in our group. And, ok, this isn't such a big deal when you're trying to learn 300 people's names, but come on, it happened to me 6 days in a row...really! Since I have been here, I have called one person the wrong name (I really thought his name was Brian, not because he looked like someone else, but I just thought thats what he said the first time), and if I don't know someone's name I won't hesistate to ask them again...hey, it's the first couple weeks, right!? I adore my name...who doesn't, and as Dale Carnegie says in "How to Win Friends and Influence People" to win friends, smile and remember their name. This experience has had the opposite effect on me. I am beginning to wonder why this is happening, and if people are really so obtuse that they would dare confuse the 6 black women in our group. No points from me on this one.

Anyway, in searching for companies and looking at their employee rosters there are surprisingly few, if any African American faces there. It is even more true in the Sustainability or Green realm. We will have to see how this all turns out, but it will, no doubt, be a HUGE learning experience for me.

Women in Business (and Politics)

2009-07-15T07:19:00.002-04:00

Judge Sonia Sotomayor is in the process of being confirmed to the Supreme Court this week and it is very fascinating to hear the types of questions, perceptions, and views the senators and representatives have for her. Senator Lindsay Graham (R-SC) said that she is a temperamental bully citing anonymous comments about her personality on the bench. That strikes me as fascinating because these are the typical comments that people have when a woman in power is tough. If a man in power acted similarly it is likely that he would be viewed as strong minded and tough, but Sotomayor is being characterized as a bully. It shows me that we have a long way to go as far as gender equality is concerned.

On a similar note, I am highly interested to see how our Diversity workshop unfolds at school during orientation week. We had the same seminar at a diversity conference, but almost everyone in the room was an underrepresented minority. We still have our own stereotypes and many of us disagreed about a lot of them (we are a diverse group within ourselves). During Orientation the underrepresented minorities will represent a mere 8-10% of the class, so I am looking forward to hearing what the rest of my class has to contribute.

I'll definitely let you know how that turns out in about a month. Cheerio!

IMG00003.jpg

2009-05-27T11:08:00.001-04:00

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The (Sad) End

2009-05-22T10:30:00.003-04:00

It sucks to work somewhere for three years and realize just at the end how taken for granted you were. It makes me incredibly sad. Some people that I work with on a daily basis aren't even here my last day and didn't bother to say goodbye or good luck :-/ The flip side of that is that almost all of my vendors and outside parties that I work with are sad to see me go and expressed their pleasure in working with me over the past three years and best wishes for grad school and the future. That affirms to me that I must have been doing something right and that my time here wasn't completely for naught.

But I just wished it had ended differently...better. Ah well, it reaffirms my desire to pursue higher education where I can learn and grow instead of staying sedentary, growing negative, and not having the support of management to grow professionally. I made the right decision and after today I think my insides will unknot and I will relax and bask in the glow of unemployment before grad school.

Why do people find it

2009-05-21T17:47:00.001-04:00

Why do people find it soo necessary to stand extremely close to me on the train. And facing me too. Uncomfortable!

PEACE OUT!

2009-05-20T15:35:00.003-04:00

Why is standing up for myself soo hard! Man I wanted to avoid it soo badly, I had no idea how they were going to react. It wasn't how I imagined, and frankly in all my destest for "it's not personal it's business" I tried to embrace that mantra and I was personally attacked by them. That's crap. I know it was a surprise, but they treated me like an idiot, like what I've been doing was meanial and this new kid is going to come in and do soo much more, taking over the president's role....
....ooooooooooh shit! I totally just realized what it is about this kid that endears them to him soo much. I shouldn't say it but it totally makes sense...He is just like the pres' recently deceased son who he wanted to take over the company. It all makes soo much sense now. That could be wrong, but it seems soo right. That's why he can do no wrong. That's why he speaks soo highly of him when in reality he has similar qualifications as me.

In their minds I never moved past the 2 years of experience "girl" that they hired three years ago. They haven't seen how I've grown and taken on all this responsibility. They think I can't take this stupid place to the next level...and guess what KEEP IT! I don't want any part of it anymore anyway. Have your medicore job while I go on to do something soo much bigger. Peace out bitches!

2009-05-19T19:14:00.001-04:00

Institute of dress launch party!

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Ms. Power & Ms. Smoother

2009-05-19T17:19:00.003-04:00

I just now realized what it is about them. Why these two particular people that I know get along soo very well when I barely get along with either of them. They like one another because one is a total people pleaser and smoother and the other is on a power trip. It works because Ms. Power dominates the relationship over Ms. Smoother. Very weird.

Why don't I get along with them? It's totally a power struggle. Ms. Power wants to be in control of everything even things that don't fall under her purview. Anyone who know me knows that this doesn't fly in my book. I've figured out a way to make things work out, but its a constant struggle for power...yuck!

And Ms. Smoother tries so very hard to make everyone happy, but the world doesn't work that way. (Didn't her momma ever tell her "you can please some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never please all of the people all of the time") Sometimes the decisions you make are not going to be ones that everyone agrees with and you have to be ok with that. I don't think she is. How it relates to me? Well in trying to make certain people happy she tries to tell me what to do, and once again that doesn't fly with me. It's a power struggle again.

I cannot wait to leave these two behind and move forward with my life getting smarter, sharper, and more professional nimble. It's interesting how things work out and what we can learn, but I'm glad to take that risk and keep on learning!

2009-05-14T09:45:00.001-04:00

Unity! I will miss the grafitti in brooklyn!

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Letting Go

2009-05-13T12:31:00.002-04:00

Over the past couple of weeks,I have been continually surprised by how hard it is for me to let go of this job. I thought it would be fairly easy...find replacement, train him/her, relax, head off to grad school. It is not so my friends. I find my self correcting him on ideas that could be good but don't necessarily fit in with my ideas of how to manage a brand. I am seeing an increasingly negative side of myself in shooting down ideas (that I know from the past to have gotten rejected, been illegal, or not worked) and I don't like it. I think that may be particular to this job/company, but I am going to keep a close eye on it in my personality, because it is definitely NOT something I want to carry on.

It has really been eye opening for me. I sit in the room with my "replacement" and have to tell myself to keep my mouth shut because this is now his project. It's sad to get a glimpse of how things are going to go from here on out because while some things will be better, it seems apparent that some may get left by the wayside.

Who knows, the reality is that this is not my job anymore, and not my company to pull for anymore. Sad but true I suppose. I had always imagined moving on but still being amicable with my replacement and offering help and suggestions, but I feel like at this age and this time in life my co-horts feel like they have to prove themselves and therefore be competitive and contentious. (I'm probably the same way). Its just not what I had pictured happening. None of this has gone down how I imagined it would. But alas, these are the things we learn in life. Be cautiously optimistic, get to know people before you accept a job offer, love life and love what you do!

Its not personal, its business

2009-04-07T13:32:00.003-04:00

I think I've determined the source of my angst at work. It truly comes down to one person in particular, and not the person you might think. Its someone who has no authority over much of anything, but tries to act like they do. Saying rude and sarcastic things that are really just inappropriate and rude. It gets to me, but I'm trying to remember something that my old boss told me last week.

"It's not personal, its business."

Its really hard for me to grasp that idea because to me it is personal. I spend majority of my waking hours at work, why wouldn't it be personal? But I guess it really is business. Most of my tumultuous work relationships really come down to a power struggle. One that if I stop trying to fight it and let the person have their perceived "power" could quite easily be solved. I, however, am bull-headed and stubborn, so don't like to let people have their way especially if there is principle involved. "They shouldn't get to do something or act a certain way, so I won't let them" is how my thoughts go. I really need to learn to let go, and I'm hoping I can learn more how to do this in business school. I think it will be a personal journey as well, but hopefully some of the leadership training will play a key role in helping me separate personal from business (if that's even a valuable thing to do).

Let me know if you have thoughts on this topic. I really am interested to hear other people's insights.

2009-04-05T10:39:00.001-04:00

Cherry blossoms in dc!

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2009-04-04T12:56:00.001-04:00

My dream car as seen on my way to dc!

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Baby Names and Grad School

2009-03-16T12:29:00.002-04:00

Deciding on a graduate school can be likened to naming a child in the way people react.

Before you've had your baby, a lot of people decide to keep the name quiet. Not because they don't want people to know, but because people feel very free to criticize your name selection before the baby is born, because it is not attached to anything (in their minds) yet. The same can be said of grad school. Before you make your decision on where you want to go, people feel free to voice their opinion on the pros and cons of your choices.

But once that baby is born or that school is chosen, people are all smiles and congratulations. No one wants to say what a "silly" or "odd" name you chose for your baby, or how that business school measures up against others. It's a very interesting phenomena that I have noticed throughout this whole process.

Just thought I'd share. Have any of your experienced anything similar?

UNC it is Friends!

2009-03-13T10:47:00.002-04:00

So I've been struggling over this decision for months, but I've finally made a choice. I'm going to graduate business school at UNC-Chapel Hill. It has been a really tough choice for me because I feel like all my undergraduate friends followed the traditional route of attending other Ivy league type b-schools. I wanted to but didn't prevail in that endeavor, plus UNC offers the particular program that I want, Strategy and Sustainability (with a lot of career support and development in the field as well). Oh yeah, and I got a full-tuition fellowship!! I think I will really like the change in environment and the bf is very excited about the move too.

Another reason I am excited is to be moving on from what some would call a dream job. It has been an interesting, fun, challenging, and....hmmm, educational three years, but my time has definitely come. I look forward to working with more like-minded people and achieving something greater than myself for society as a whole. I simply CANNOT wait for May to come.

That said, a Marketing Manager position will be open at the Brooklyn Brewery starting in May. The job should be posted on Monster on Monday, so if you're interested check it out and send in your resume (and coverletter) if you meet the qualifications.

60 Month Promise

2009-02-23T16:02:00.002-05:00

So I'm sure a lot of you know that I've been a little unsettled lately. I met a woman today who told me something I thought was really useful. I come from a generation of job hoppers and people with short attention spans, so this was especially meaningful to me. She told me that I should promise myself to work in one place for 60 months because I can get really deep in my field and rise though the ranks. I never really thought about that before, and it definitely makes sense. Its sort of a challenge, and I'm a girl who never shirks from a challenge. We'll see how it turns out, but I was pretty impressed by her, and open to her feedback so we'll see what happens next.

Challenging Times

2009-02-17T07:03:00.002-05:00

This might be one of the most challenging times in my life so far. Really, I knew applying for Business school would be stressful, but I didn't anticipate the stress indirectly associated with it. Such as changes in the workplace environment due to the idea that I might be leaving. Or the reality that I might not (did not) get in to all the schools I want to go to. And the realization that I might need an alternate plan (other than staying in the same work environment) if I decide this isn't the right thing for me at this time.

These are all things that I didn't anticipate. It's very stressful and nerve-wracking! I'm just trying to make it through one day at a time and not get too stressed out or sad. But what I can say is that this morning when getting dressed in business casual attire to work at a Brewery, I realized why I wanted to go to business school. Not because I think I'm better than where I'm at, but because I think I am capable of infinitely more. That will be the reality for the rest of my life, because we are never done learning. For me, in my current position, taking advantage of the infinite potential means gaining further knowledge. Up until now, I thought the only way to do that was through business school, but that may not necessarily be the case. Now I am exploring ways of capitalizing on my own potential in other environments where I can achieve more professionally AND personally. A work environment that not only helps the company achieve its bottom line, but helps me achieve my triple bottom line. I'm here for the company's betterment, for my own professional and personal development, and to better society as a whole. I need to work in a place that values all three and whether it takes business school or not, I will get there. I am determined!

These are my early morning thoughts that will hopefully sustain me as I continue on this journey. If you have any thoughts or words of wisdom, please feel free to share!

Welcome back to the world of the retarded

2009-02-09T09:43:00.003-05:00

Welcome back to the world of the retarded.

I really didn't think I would be so shocked to come back to this. But immediately I remembered why I am pursuing grad school and why I want to study sustainability. It's more about how people treat one another and the environment, even when that environment means the one I sit and work at everyday. I can't stand it. It's idiocracy at its best. Not all of them, mind you, but enough to make it worthwhile for me to take my leave.

Welcome back.

2009-02-06T17:39:00.001-05:00

Another van jones photo. What an amazing inspiring week!

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2009-02-06T11:06:00.000-05:00

Van jones at green conference!

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Doubt-inducing

2009-01-16T10:36:00.003-05:00

It is upsetting for me to hear people doubt my chances of getting into graduate school. Who would dare say such a thing out loud, you ask? Oh, that would be my lovely bosses. It's such a shame to work for people who, without even realizing what they're saying, degrade you and question your intelligence. Why would you want someone working for you that you didn't think was smart enough to get into grad school? That's what eludes me. And if you did want that kind of person, that's not the kind of place that I want to work.

The reality is that I know they don't mean it when they say these things...like "oh, we haven't talked about your replacement yet because we don't even know if you'll get in." or "There are a lot of people applying this year so we're not sure if you'll be going to school in the fall" I mean, to them this is just rational thinking, but to me it's a huge slap in the face. It makes me consider what they actually wrote in my letters of recommendation. Scary thought, huh?!

Anyway, I've been ruminating on this for days, as my decision dates approach. I'm pretty confident about some schools and questionable about others, but certain I'll make the right decision. It's a stressful process to begin with, so if you see me and I tell you I'm applying to XYZ schools, even if you don't think I'll get in, just be happy for me that I'm embarking on a new phase in life. Much love!

More thoughts on American Obesity

2009-01-08T13:39:00.002-05:00

So...if you read the last post you know my office is having a Blubber Bowl this month (we're competing a la "Biggest Loser" to see who can lose the most weight). We got our office scale yesterday and everyone felt the need to play with it...of course. The sad thing is that the only person in our office that isn't overweight is the one person we all think needs to eat more (he only eats half a grilled cheese for lunch and no dinner for example). If you can imagine these weigh-ins, most people were not in denial of their weight, but in denial about their body fat composition, which our scale shows. "Oh, this must be wrong, I can't be Obese!" "No way this is accurate, it must be broken." Everyone who weighed in so far, save 3 people, is Obese...including yours truly.

Now I could make every excuse in the book, but I won't. The reality is that I could be healthier so I am making a choice to change my eating and exercise habits. It just really struck me that we, as Americans, have such a distorted view of what is healthy and what isn't. According to our pre-weigh-in the kid who "needs to eat more" is the only healthy one here (not accounting for nutrition). The rest of us who have come to accept our sizes are really the ones who need to trim down. Here it is kids...plain and simple...we eat too much and don't exercise enough. Being five feet three inches and weighing in at one hundred eighty one pounds is NOT ok, whether its muscle or fat.

Its crazy how many excuses are made and rationalizations embraced. I'm trying to shed that. No more excuses, I'm not just muscular, I am a bit unhealthy. And I'm going to fix that. 2009...and the rest of my life...here I come!

On Resolution 2

2009-01-06T11:40:00.002-05:00

So I began my quest to achieve my second resolution of losing weight yesterday. I went to the gym against my every inclination, but motivated by the resolution (and my boyfriend). I also weighed myself...super fun! I'm weighing in at 181 (4lbs lighter than my last doctor visit in October). I thought it would be easy for me to do since I have "gotten healthy" as I put it (or "trimmed down" as my college cheer coach put it) before. This time, having the words "lose weight" in my mind is making it that much harder. I can do this!

I read an article in the New York Times today about how exercise is not only about accessibility to work out equipment, but personal motivation and the belief that you can achieve your goals. Intellectually I think I can do this, but physically I doubt myself. I feel like recently I've been bombarded with overly skinny women making me feel even fatter than I am. I know that I am a muscular woman, but I've begun to hide behind that as an excuse for weighing a lot. I have definitely NOT gained 25lbs of muscle since college, that's for sure. Maybe a few pounds, but not 25.

But along these lines, my company has initiated the Blubber Bowl. It's a competition to lose weight in the month of January. We have an office scale and we'll all weigh in together at the beginning of the month and the end of the month. There is a prize to motivate us all, and I have enlisted our Operations Manager as my coach. He rides his bike like 30 miles every morning and has been the same weight since college (he's 40 now) where he was in crew. It's going to be rough at first, but he is very logical about everything so I think that will help me stop making excuses.

Stay tuned for more updates as I go along. It should be an interesting journey to July 1st and 160lbs. I'll probably be hungry and grumpy in the beginning, but ultimately more energized.

Resolutions for 2009

2009-01-05T16:09:00.001-05:00

I know a lot of people are anti-resolutions, but why not use the New Year as a reason to make some decisions about changing yourself. I do make resolutions, and I do a decent job of keeping them...shall we revisit last year's??

2008 Resolutions:
1) Take advantage of the gym membership that I already pay for (either by working out 5 days a week or taking a class at the gym)
- I did work out about 4 days a week for most of the year, and I do feel like I got my money's worth out of my membership
2) Tone my arms and abs
- the arms are definitely more tone, although the abs are only slightly more tone
3) Work on having a more positive outlook on life and not being soo "snarky".
- Definitely made this a reality. The move to BK definitely helped
4) Not getting so stressed out/moderating that stress better (via breathing exercises or yoga at home)
- I have practiced more yoga than 2007, but my doctor has informed me that I have ever so slightly high blood pressure which leads me to believe that I need to continue working on this
5) No more swearing
- yeah, not so much with this one
6) No whining
- only when its funny

What are my resolutions for 2009, you ask? Lets check it out:

1) To worry less (i.e. decrease my blood pressure and let things be once I have done my best)

2) To lose weight (this is a new one for me), specifically to weight 160 by July 1st. That's roughly 15-20lbs for those interested ;-)

2a) To complete at least one 30 day challenge in Bikram yoga (for those of you who don't practice, that's 30 straight days of hot yoga without missing one)

3) To have a more positive outlook (it's the evergreen on my resolutions...I'm a constant work in progress)

So if you see me or hang out with me and I'm falling short of these resolutions, please feel free to poke me or scold me. It should be a good year!

Being at work, but not working

2008-12-30T10:18:00.002-05:00

I don't understand why companies make you work the three days between Christmas and New Years. In my particular field there is absolutely nothing to do. It's 10am, and I don't have anything to do. I suppose I could clean my desk, but truth be told, I hate cleaning! I could organize files on my computer (booooring!), or something else. I am making a deck for our advertising and communication strategy for 2009, but that can't really be finished until my boss is here...and he's not. So we come back to it...why do we have to work on these three days?

If you can think of something inconspicuous for me to do today and tomorrow, let me know. I am actually thinking about taking the day off tomorrow. Blah.

Lack of Communication

2008-12-03T11:08:00.004-05:00

I have learned some things during my tenure here. Mainly about communication and lack thereof. Most importantly, lack of communication not only causes stress, but it COSTS MONEY! It results in redundancy in work, in re-purchasing of supplies, and general angst among co-workers. How can one plan without full knowledge of what's happening. Without even partial knowledge!

This is something that causes me personally great stress. I try not to let it...hey it's only Christmas decorations...but I am failing miserably! If you had a lot of stuff stored away amongst, say 15 people, would you send one person to just throw stuff away they thought we didn't need?? Or would you ask the people who's stuff it was to come and cull through their belongings to get rid of stuff they knew wasn't being used? I would choose the latter! Why are all the Christmas decorations gone? Did someone who knew what we used throw them away? NO! Because I'm the only one who uses them, and no one asked me. I used almost everything in those boxes and no one asked me before throwing things out. So dumb. And I suppose I should go get more so we have have a festive holiday party in two days...I think NOT! I'm not doing that crap! I bought stuff last year that just got thrown away this year...I'm not buying it again. What a waste!

I hate waste and I hate ignorance!

Seeing yourself

2008-11-21T11:57:00.003-05:00

It's funny...the things we get upset about in other people are the usually the things we don't like about ourselves. I hate it when people belittle me or others, but sometimes I find myself doing the same thing, and lament the words once they exit my mouth.

Its tough, but I think seeing the things we dislike about other people can help us better ourselves little by little.

I don't like mean me.

2008-11-20T15:15:00.003-05:00

It hurts me to have to be so frank (what I sometimes think is rude) to people who are soliciting my business. I hate being rude, but sometimes people don't respond to anything different. It makes me feel bad inside to have to speak to people that way, and when I hang up the phone I feel like a bad person. I don't like that. I don't like being that kind of person. I just want to work somewhere where I can feel good about majority of my interactions and know that it is going to be a place that makes me a better person, not tears me down. Is that too much to ask? It just might be huh?

Well, I can tell this is the beginning of a mood :-( Poop on hormones! Why can't things just work out ALL the time so I can be a happy little cookie! Oh, yeah, that's right because its real life. I gotta learn how to cope.

I can do better

2008-10-20T10:42:00.003-04:00

I dislike this more and more each day. People who talk to me like a moron. People who insinuate that I'm dumb because I don't agree with their very simple way of thinking or acting. People who get mad at me and give me the silent treatment (are we not adults here). People who just plain make me a worse person. Ok, well that may not be entirely true. People cannot make you into anything but they can influence you, and I think I have been influenced negatively and in a detrimental way. I am getting out. It will take a little time to work out the details, but the wheels are in motion and I am getting out. It raises my blood pressure and increases my anxiety to be in a place like this, and I cannot have that. I need my blood pressure to go up because I am soo excited and passionate about what I am doing...not because I am frustrated with the lack of deeper thought and control of language all around me. I can do better than this for myself. I know I can...and I will.

Travel, travel, rest, travel some more

2008-10-14T18:01:00.003-04:00

I'm having a hard time here. I want to go all these places to visit, but I'm running out of vacation days. I'm trying to sneak in trips on weekends, but it is getting exhausting. I need to figure out where I want to be, but I feel like I need to see these places first.

Sorry if this all sounds vague. In a few months I'll hopefully be able to be more clear on this topic, but for now this is what I can offer. Can I buy vacation days from someone? I guess I could buy them from myself and not get paid, right...that's basically the same thing. I wonder if that will work.

Anyway, I'll let you know where my next adventure takes me.

Random Thoughts and Gym Time

2008-10-10T15:57:00.004-04:00

Hey buttercups! It's been a while since I wrote, and I don't know what to tell ya. Life has been all-consuming these last few months and I have hardly had time to breathe. I did though, or else I wouldn't still be here of course! But things are going pretty well. I've been thinking a lot about the future and where I am headed next. That keeps me up at night to say the least, but at least I am taking steps towards making a positive change in my life so I can come home from work happy and content that the work I'm doing is not only benefiting the company but changing the world (if only even in the slightest way). I look forward to telling you all about the results of those adventures, but it will have to remain a secret for now.

In other news...I'm getting fat (according to BMI I am obese, but lets be honest, I am pretty strong and muscular to begin with, but I definitely weigh more than I should). For whatever reason I can't seem to fit gym time into my schedule anymore. I used to be really diligent about gymmin' it, or at least running, but now by the time I get home (6:20pm when leaving work at 5pm) I barely have the desire or energy to do anything but study or watch TV. I would love to be one of those people who thoroughly enjoys running and gets out there every day knowing it will make them feel good...but alas, this is not me. I am one of those people who exercises because intellectually I know its good for my heart muscle and keeps me from gaining weight from all the ice cream I love so dearly. But alas, the ice cream is winning these days...I've even cut back (say WHAT?!!) because I know I don't exercise as much as I should. Anywho...if you know any ideas for helping me fit exercise back in my life or motivating me in some way I would LOVE to hear from you...even if you want to be my gym buddy...even if you live across the country and want to be my long distance gym buddy...let me know.

2008-09-30T09:14:00.002-04:00

Hilarious!

I'm soo done.

2008-09-25T14:08:00.002-04:00

I'm soo done working with people who operate in a bizarre way that defies logic, reason, and rational thought. Not all of them mind you, a special few.

In business school you learn to make decisions that reach a goal efficiently and effectively maximizing the time and efforts of everyone involved. Currently I work in an environment where little to no consideration is given to what would maximize time to create an effective solution. Someone thinks of something then does it, then a week later someone else thinks of the same thing and does it again. There is little communication. There is little thought given to how to coordinate tasks/projects to combine multiple people's interests to produce one cohesive efficient result. It's infuriating.

I never knew having good, efficient, sharp top management could effect an organization soo much, but it really does. It's fascinating. I gotta get out.

People people

2008-09-17T12:46:00.003-04:00

I used to think I was a people person and I got along with all different types of people. I know now that this is categorically untrue. I do get along with most people, but I do not do well at all with stupid people. Being especially grumpy today, it's really hitting home with me. I don't like when people think they're slick and try to pull one over on you, when really they're completely transparent. I don't like when people make stupid decisions about who does what jobs when. I just don't like it. I'm sure I've fallen into these categories at times, the later at least, (perhaps that's why I dislike it so), but it really gets on my nerves. Teamwork is so important but a HUGE lack of communication across functions make the whole system breakdown. Idiocy at its best.

That's my rant. Take it as you will, please help me make smart choices so we don't have to pay stupid tax anymore!

Tired and exhausted

2008-09-12T11:16:00.004-04:00

I'm soo tired...and there's soo much on my mind...too much. I can't even focus on work right now. I just want to go sit in a quiet place with no distractions, no TV, no dog, no noisy neighbors, just peace and quiet. Can I go back camping? Why does my mind work soo overtime, I hate it. I wish it would just shut up!

But alas, it is what makes me who I am...for better or worse. Oh and did I mention another one of my friends is getting married this weekend. I love you buttercups, but I really don't think emotionally I can handle another wedding. I mean, I know I will because I adore my friends and I would want them to do the same for me. But it will be an uphill battle not to turn into a crazy person. Eh...exhaustion.

Just so you understand here is the wedding schedule for 2008/2009...so far:
1/12/08 Wedding in MI
5/25/08 Wedding in Brooklyn
8/23/08 Wedding in MI
8/23/08 Wedding in NY (missed this one)
9/13/08 Wedding in Brooklyn
9/27/08 Wedding in Upstate NY
11/5/08 Wedding in Scranton
5/2/09 Wedding in MI
5/23/09 Wedding in DC
5/29/09 Wedding in CA

Can you see why I'm exhausted?

Addiction

2008-09-02T14:24:00.001-04:00

I think I've developed an addiction to yarn and yarn crafts...eeks! I bring my yarn with me on the subway (its a long ride to and from work) and all day at work when I glance down at my yarn bag, I just want to pick up my project and work on it. It take more will power than I ever thought to resist the urge to just start crocheting at my desk during the day. That's bad, right? Maybe I should have a career in yarn, not beer :-/

Frustration

2008-09-02T10:51:00.003-04:00

Why is it that some people do not understand very simple things? If I send you something you ask me for, why not review it, come back to me to talk through it for futher ideation/brainstorming, THEN go to someone else for more insight. Nope, not so much for me. I just get bypassed in all the middle steps and it drives me NUTS! Something I don't think is going to change here anytime soon, which makes it seem pointless for me to stay. Well, of course I'll stay, but it doesn't make it any less frustrating! Why would someone so consistently overlook someone else and not even realize it. Is there some interaction I am missing? Am I supposed to be doing something that I am not? Should I not get so upset about this? I can't not get upset about this because it hinders my professional growth.

I guess I just have to go back to one of my favorite quotes "Don't wait. Go get 'em. No one's giving you anything. You want to wait, you'll be waiting a long time - by yourself." -Dana Wade, SpikeDDB

On the flip side of that quote is: "To earn respect you have to do more than just order people around. The key to being a good leader is to work harder than everyone else." - Paul Cayard, Champion Sailor

Patience is a virtue...that i

2008-08-25T10:00:00.001-04:00

Patience is a virtue...that i don`t posses right now. I`o definitely trying to learn because it would benefit me greatly.

What color is your parachute?

2008-08-05T09:47:00.002-04:00

I am aqua
#00FFFF

Your dominant hues are green and blue. You're smart and you know it, and want to use your power to help people and relate to others. Even though you tend to battle with yourself, you solve other people's conflicts well.

Your saturation level is very high - you are all about getting things done. The world may think you work too hard but you have a lot to show for it, and it keeps you going. You shouldn't be afraid to lead people, because if you're doing it, it'll be done right.

Your outlook on life is very bright. You are sunny and optimistic about life and others find it very encouraging, but remember to tone it down if you sense irritation.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

That's pretty right on about me I think. What about you all, what color are you?

Our Garden

2008-07-31T19:06:00.004-04:00

This is Adam and my garden in our backyard. Yep kids, we have a backyard in NYC, very rare but true. We decided to try our hands (or green thumbs) at growing some veggies of our own to reduce our dependence on grocery stores, especially considering the rising prices and uncertainty of tainted food. It's going pretty good so far.

Our maters (aka tomatoes) are growing like crazy. We don't have any flowers or actual tomatoes just yet, but they should be coming in the next few weeks we expect. Our peppers are doing well too. I think I spotted the first sign of a little baby pepper today...soo exciting!

Anyway, I just wanted to share. Oh and that cute little dog is September.

Assistant...I think not.

2008-07-22T10:05:00.002-04:00

Something I just realized about myself...I would be a great personal assistant if that in any way satisfied me.

Reality...it doesn't. What sparked this thought? Well I confirmed a beer delivery for one of our "executives" cohorts and he emailed said "executive" back and wrote "I received a call from your assistant on Monday confirming the order." Ooohhh...turns out I'm not an assistant. I have too much attitude and too many opinions for that, but if my heart was set on it, I'm certain that I would do a superb job.

The thing is, I just need to find something that I can set my heart on. It ain't this, that's for sure...but what is it?

An Itch

2008-07-21T11:38:00.003-04:00

I have an itch to start something, but I don't know what...

And I don't mean another crochet project or reading another book. I want to start a business/organization. To have something to call my own. To make a tangible impact on the world (selling beer isn't really cuttin' it). I have all these ideas with Adam about what that could be, but we can't translate anything into a tangible plan yet. The one that most fits with our vision for the future is a eco-bed & breakfast and learning center. A place where people can come for a relaxing healthy vacation, and also to learn a little about what it means to grow your own fruits and veggies and to leave this earth how we found it or better. That makes an impact and I think it would be very cool. Ok, I admit, it would be a little granola of us, but what better way to live off the grid, give back to the earth, and teach others how to do the same while providing an escape for them as well.

Anyway, I just wanted to share...

Stanford Visit

2008-05-23T20:19:00.003-04:00

So I visited Stanford today, and these are the things I saw. It's a beautiful place with well manicured lawns and immaculate architecture.

When it gets hot outside people tend to play in the fountains...with their floaty toys.

This is Hoover Tower...it looks like a penis.

and bikes...people lock them, but not to anything in particular.

Happy?

2008-05-14T13:35:00.003-04:00

I know this girl, who is moody...ok, all women are moody, I've come to this realization lately. But perhaps this is more than moody. Life situations affect her soo dramatically including sleep deprivation, over-eating/starvation, compulsive behavior, etc. The only reason I bring this up is because recently she said to me that she was in a good mood and really happy, but not an hour later there she was bemoaning this, begrudging that, and belittling Joe Schmoe (for the sake of discretion). How can you be in a good mood and still be soo negative? Is that possible?

I've been trying to surround myself with positive things, positive people, positive activities and have a positive outlook on every situation. This girl does not help. The only thing I could do was walk away. It must be soo exhausting being soo negative all the time.

I think true happiness shows itself in our actions, not our words. I once read a quote that said "A Happy Person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes." I believe that wholeheartedly, and I'm trying to live it fully.

Peace

2008-04-23T13:50:00.002-04:00

I have been thinking a lot lately (perhaps too much, if you know me) mostly about myself, where I am in life, what I should do next, and ultimately what I am meant to do with my life. It's all very challenging, although I think most people struggle with the same questions on some level or another.

What I've come up with is that I need more positivity in my life. I think I've fallen into this thing where I criticize other people a lot (I see the speck in another's eye, but do not see the plank in my own), and it really brings me bad feelings. I say something that may be true about someone else, but immediately after I say it I feel bad. So I've resolved to stop this. There is a saying that goes: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." No matter who I meet, how they treat me or how they react, I want to see that and be sympathetic, understanding, forgiving. I feel like I've lost that lately. I'm striving to move in that direct, I'm not a perfect human being, but I can always try to be a better one.

I've also decided to take one day at a time and try not to worry as much as I do. In Matthew it says: "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." It's so true, and I am going to try my best to let each day take care of itself and be the best person I can from day to day. It won't be easy, to be sure, but all I can do is try.

Avoid Conflict

2008-02-08T12:16:00.000-05:00

So here's the thing kids...after being asked a question in a survey("Please describe a difficult situation with a senior leader that you had to resolve. What was the situation? How did you resolve it?") I discovered that I think I avoid conflict. I don't think I ever used to do that. I think people would describe me as a person who usually confronts things head on and takes the bull by the horns, but recently this is not so. I was trying to think of an answer that fit that question, and I drew a blank...not because I didn't have any conflicts, but because I haven't confronted them in recent memory. That's soo sad. That makes me sad. When did I become this person? Why has it come to this? This is soo not me.

At the gym the other day, this personal trainer was yelling at me because I was in some part of the gym reserved for personal training (although it was empty) and I wanted to use the free weights (the only place in the gym with free weights). She told me I couldn't use the space, and I told her I would move if anyone came in and needed to use it. She just kept repeating herself, and I repeated myself. Deciding it was futile to argue with her, I grabbed the weights I needed and proceeded to do my exercises. She yelled across the gym for her manager who took her sweet time to come over to get me out of there, but by the time she was there I was done. It made me soo mad at the time that I just had to go. I couldn't even speak to her because I was afraid of yelling and screaming and making a fool of myself, which I do not love. I told myself when I calmed down I would call the gym and express my complete shock at how I was treated since I pay over $90/month to work out in the WHOLE gym. I never did.

What is this all about? Am I just to angry in general that I avoid confrontation for fear of lashing out on someone? Have I just become complacent so I don't want to deal with stupid or ignorant people anymore? I don't really know...if you have any thoughts on the matter, please leave me a comment...

My First Knitting Project

2008-02-01T14:46:00.000-05:00

So I wanted to chime in and give you all an update on my first knitting project. So if you know me, you know that I am a die hard crocheter! But I went to the store with a friend of mine and decided I wanted to try a knitted project, so I bought some needles. I'm making this sweater that is deemed easy by it's website, and the stitch is...the fit, however is not. I've discovered recently that fitting knit and crocheted tops (let alone bras) when you're well endowed is not the easiest of tasks. Previously, I had been making patterns straight from books, sort of wondering why they didn't fit right, but wearing them anyway because I thought they were soo cute...now that I've joined Ravelry I've discovered that you can modify patterns to be shaped more appropriately to your body.

This is really not happening with my first knit project though. I'm still trying to master holding the needles and yarn correctly (which is quite different than crochet I might add). So I had the size that fit my bust measurements (L, or 40" bust) and when I finished the back it is like 23" wide...my back is maybe 17"...so I have to frog it (unravel the whole thing) and start over, perhaps making a size small or medium back...I'm not sure. I am pretty sure I need to make a size large front to cover the girls, since I don't know how to do short rows yet or make any shaping.

Who knows...this is where I'm at so far, so I wanted to share.

My First Handmade Dress

2008-01-29T14:20:00.000-05:00

So I decided to make this dress for my friend Val's wedding because all of the dresses on the market are babydoll dresses...and you other "well endowed" ladies out there know that wearing those just makes you look pregnant. I'm not really down for that, and I hate that I couldn't find a dress that flattered my lovely hour glass figure. The flip side of that is that I was motivated to make a dress for myself, which turned out quite like I imagined it. Here's the sketch so you can see what I envisioned before I started:

This is a crocheted dress (in case you're not familiar with my craft) and it is made with Caron's Simply Soft yarn in Heather Gray. I used about 6 skeins to complete this dress. In creating this dress, I didn't use a pattern, but knew I wanted something warm and beautiful. I didn't want to look like a 5th grader in my dad's sweater.

I crocheted from the bottom up and tried it on as I went. I used my own measurements for waist and bust shaping and used a nice lace pattern from The Crochet Bible for the back details and bottom edging. I'm in love with this piece and trying to think of a reason to wear it again!

Yarn Club

2008-01-29T10:08:00.000-05:00

So me and my girls got together this Sunday for our first Yarn Club. I've wanted to do this since I found out that all these ladies that I knew could knit and crochet...who would have thought! I thought I was the lone old soul among my friends, but this turns out not to be true. So we got together (in true New York style) at a bar on Sunday afternoon to sip hot spiced apple cider and knit and crochet to our hearts content. It turned out really well and inspired a lot of us to start new projects and come back to the art after a long hiatus. Success all around. Above is a photo of all of us and our projects (minus me...I'm taking the picture). We're meeting every other Sunday so if you're interested give me a shout, we'd love to have you!

I'm also planning on keeping you updated on my projects (mostly free form and modifications of other patterns to fit "the girls") via photos and short descriptions so you can see what I'm up to. Hope you enjoy!

Resolutions

2008-01-02T11:22:00.000-05:00

I have only in the past couple of years started to make New Year's Resolutions. You can find my post here on my resolutions for last year. Most of them were successful...well, now that I re-read them, only two were successful and three were not. I am adopting the three unsuccessful one's for this year again:

1) Take advantage of the gym membership that I already pay for (either by working out 5 days a week or taking a class at the gym)

2) Tone my arms and abs

3) Work on having a more positive outlook on life and not being soo "snarky".

And adding a couple:

4) Not getting so stressed out/moderating that stress better (via breathing exercises or yoga at home)

5) No more swearing

6) No whining

I'm hoping I can stick better to these this year. I think I have caused myself a lot of grief by not moderating my own stress levels. I'm trying to stay healthy to avoid getting type 2 diabetes and heart disease and I realized that staying stressed so much can cause high blood pressure and lead to a heart attack. I don't want that either, so I have to live my life better. I'm trying and it feels like I'm trying soo hard, but I bet I could try harder.

Working out for me is a HUGE release, so I'm going to try to do that more, especially when I get worked up or stressed out. I want to focus on my abs and toning my arms also. I have noticed in the past year that my body has changed shape...crazy, I know, but it's true. I used to have trouble getting my athletic thighs into jeans (always made for girls with non-muscular legs), then the waist would always be too big. Now, I can fit into jeans that I couldn't even pull over my thighs, but I have a hard time buttoning them. I think my thighs and legs have gotten smaller and my middle-section has gotten larger....poo! It's weird. I just need to workout more.

Anyway, those are my New Year's Resolutions. If you're my buddy and you're reading this, please help me to keep them in whatever way you can. I'll help you with yours too if you share them with me.

Until another day!

Structured Dresses in...Baby Dolls OUT!

2007-12-07T10:57:00.000-05:00

Ok. I have to vent about this one little thing for a minute: baby doll dresses! Can they be over already! Apologies if any of you wear them, and much worse like them, but I am SOO over the baby doll dress...no, that's not accurate, I was never down with it so I can't be over it.

This type of dress is not flattering on 90% of the people who wear it. Ok, if you're a stick figure or are lacking in the chest endowment area, they probably look cute on you, but for the rest of the population who has breasts or hip or maybe a little tummy, these do not fly. I cannot tell you how many women I have seen wearing these dresses that I wanted to ask, "did you not look in the mirror this morning?" But I have held my tongue. Just because some fashion magazine tells you a style is in does not mean you have to wear it. Women should totally choose clothes that look good on their body type regardless of what Vogue or People Magazine tell you.

Herein lies my problem. In searching for a dress for the summer, then for a friends wedding in January, all I am coming across is baby doll dresses. I don't want that, but I am stuck because it seems to be the only thing people are selling...and in that terrible jersey fabric that shows all your imperfections. No thank you. So I've decided that I'm going to make my first attempt at crocheting a dress without a pattern. Oh, don't get me wrong, I searched for a pattern, but in my head I have already formulated something that I could not find in the store...so I'm going to make it. Hopefully it turns out in reality how I'm imagining it because I really don't have much of an alternative besides the traditional little black dress (that I don't want to wear to a wedding...but will if all else fails). So that's me...I'm using this yarn in a different pattern:

It will be slightly fitted with a small flair at the bottom. And will be paired with a simply black sheath underneath. The upper back will also feature a fun open mesh pattern that will be mimicked on the bottom hem. Very crochet couture if I do say so myself. I am also toying with the idea of wearing a sateen sash as a belt and tying a cute bow in the back. We'll see how it all turns out. My only fear so far is that I might be making it to small, so I am trying to shape it properly. I'll let you know how it turns out. In the meantime, check out this article in the New York Times, and for heaven's sake please stop with the baby doll dresses and opt for the more "structured shapes" of this season.

The Bachelor...degrading to women!

2007-10-10T11:53:00.000-04:00

So Adam and I were flipping through channels last night searching for something good to watch on TV (which by the way has become a near impossible task with all the garbage they call programming these days) and we came across the Bachelor...my most hated show. You're probably wondering why I hate this show...or maybe you're not because you've seen it with your own two eyes. Well, let me explain...

If you've been living under a rock and aren't aware of the premise of the show, it is basically to select about 25 women and put them in a house together. These ladies are all there to try to "win" the heart of one man who goes on dates with most of them, sometimes up to 6 of them at a time. And oftentimes it's not just dates, he'll make out with multiple of them (usually not on the same date) and who knows what they do off camera. It's completely disgusting to me. In what real life scenario would any woman subject herself to competing with 3-25 women to "win" the heart of one man.

I've always been of the mind that if a man is not interested enough in me to be dating me only then he's not worth my time. If he can't respect me that much I don't need that. It's already hard enough for women to earn respect in this society and to seek out a companion amid the competition that exists in every day life. Why intentionally subject yourself to more of the same over just one lousy guy...who you don't even know if you'll like!

Complete idiocracy if you ask me. I lose respect for women who would put themselves in that place. Yuck!

geekchicfashion.etsy.com

2007-10-10T11:39:00.000-04:00

Hello buttercups. It has been a while, hasn't it? My apologies...life has really taken off with me, but I want to get back into posting. I have two things burning on my mind now, but I'll keep them in separate posts. This one is mostly about my crocheting.

I used to crochet when I was younger...I remember my first project was a lime green elephant that I don't think I ever finished. But when I moved to the big city three years ago I needed some stress releif and my roommate happened to have a boatload of crochet hooks and patterns that she inherited from her grandmother. She let me have free reign over them and thus came my first afgan. I know that might sound boring and old lady, but it's a sweet blue camo blanket that is nice and warm. You'd like it if you saw it.

But now, I've ventured into all sorts of new stitches and patterns including a blood red doily, Conway's scarf, and an Alphabet Baby Blanket (that I've made twice). Most of which have some geeky twist, like they are derived from a mathematical formula, they just look mathematically complex, or they look like wavelengths.

All this to say that I opened a shop on Etsy (an online store that allows members to sell their handmade goods) to sell my work. Please check it out at geekchicfashion.etsy.com. If you see something you like or something that you would like custmized, do let me know. I love to crochet and am pretty fast at it. I will post some of my creations here later.

Happy Shopping!

The Race Issue

2007-08-24T14:05:00.000-04:00

I will never cease to be amazed at the degree (or varying degrees) of racism that I am constantly confronted with. Seriously shocked!

So I'm having this discussion with a couple people I know about the recent issue of Time Out New York...The Race Issue. I contemplate not saying anything about anything in the issue (because I will undoubtedly get worked up) but if you know me you know that's virtually impossible. So we get going and there is a page about whether or not people think race matters, specifically in the next Presidental Race. Some of people in the article say no it doesn't matter, but others say "I'm not racist," but a black president won't be able to do the job. Another black man says black people can't have a black president because it's George Bush this and White President that, who will they blame if they have a black president? Now at this point, one of the people we're discussing this with who happens to be half black Jamaican and half Chinese says it's true black people can't have a black president. Now at that, I'm like who are you to say?!? In my mind I'm thinking did you forget you're half black? I told him you can't make generalizations like that, not all black people are like that! Then another person accuses me of making the same generalizations about the black race...to which I kindly, if not aggressively had to remind him that I was NOT saying all black people do not think that way, simply saying some may thing that and some may not, but you can't make that kind of generalization.

I was just so purturbed by the whole thing! It made me think, no wonder so many people are racist against black people (among other races) when black people who are doing well are even negative about their own people! Shouldn't we be helping one another to succeed or something, not just tearing each other down and perpetuating the sterotypes by agreeing with them. I always feel the need to defend the general idea of "my people" because we are never going to get any farther in this country if we don't. It just make me really really sad.

Babies, babies, and more babies

2007-08-17T11:32:00.000-04:00

I LOVE babies...they are soo cute and precious! And lucky for me, I get to know lots of them right now. I know more babies that have been born in the last 4 weeks than any other time in my life. So I thought I would share some of their cute little faces with you. Enjoy!

This is precious little Annabella Elizabeth who was born just this Wednesday. Cuter than can be!

This little guy is Zane Arrow, a unique name for a boy who is bound to be just as cool as his parents! His birth day was last Friday, so Happy 1 week birthday buddy!

Her highness, Olivia Grace, ever the thinker at just minutes old. She was born a couple weeks ago at 8lbs 14oz.

And this is Adam and Lio who were born just a month ago. Little twins who like to play box already.

This is my little step-nephew Robert...he was born about 3 weeks ago. Cutie pie and a half. I can't wait to see him in October.

All my little sweeties are cute as can be! I can't wait to spend time with them and hold them and love them. Did I mention that I love babies!

The Church According to Man

2007-07-25T15:06:00.000-04:00

Last night my friend told me some disturbing news...that she was asked by her minister to make a choice between her fiance and the church that she attends. It's a long story, but basically she decided that she chooses God and her fiance and if that means leaving the church...so be it.

This is my conundrum with religion. Here you have a person who made a mistake but was open enough to admit that, ask for forgiveness and make changes, but in the other corner you have a minister who is being very critical and talking about how he took a lot of flack for letting her go away and how he prayed for her so much and she disappointed him. My first thought was "this is not about you". This is a about a person and a decision she made and her desire to be close to God, which is still there or she wouldn't be sitting there talking about it with the minister. And his reaction is to be mean to her and talk down to her and think about how he will look in this whole situation. It makes me mad right now just thinking about. When I heard all this I teared up. That someone who claims to be so close to God and portends to lead an entire group of people closer to God would react to this situation in such a way...I was appalled! Literally wanted to cry. I have never been so worked up for a friend in my entire life.

But do you know what this shows me? It shows me that God is God and Churches are human. Churches are run by people who are inherently flawed and prone to make mistakes. We make mistakes in how we react to people, in seeing situations clearly, in thinking of others best interests before our own, in nearly every aspect of our lives. It becomes dangerous when people think they can guide you and influence you by pressuring you to think things that may or may no be true according to the Bible. When they take out the Bible to correct and admonish you by manipulating the scriptures. That's when I can't take it anymore. I may not be a Christian by certain standards anymore, but I read the Bible and I know what's true according to it, and I know when people are using the scriptures to achieve their own means instead of Godly ones and it makes me sick.

I wouldn't encourage my friend for a second to continue going to that church. It is not a place where she can grow spiritually and be encouraged by those around her. Its a place where people are waiting for her to fall...waiting for her to make that mistake that they warned her about so they could say "I told you so". Its not the kind of environment anyone deserves to be in to be honest. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I hope she finds a better church home that encourages her more and uplifts her where her and her fiance can grow closer to God and to each other.

Apologies for the rant, but there are two things I can't stand for in this life - people hurting my friends and family, and people manipulating the Word of God. Just don't go there. You may not believe in God or you may think you know everything about the Bible, but just be sure you use it wisely and keep it in context.

Awkward Friendship

2007-07-23T10:32:00.000-04:00

I have this friend with whom it's incredibly awkward.

We were friends a long time ago, then not for a while, not we're back friends now. But because of situations that shall remain unnamed we have developed (or maybe have always had) a weird way of interacting. Back when we were first friends, we hung out a lot and as I remember it had some good conversations while making cookies or eating ice cream and pizza. Aparently my memory is failing me because as we were hanging out recently my friend made a comment like "we never talk about our emotions." And it wasn't just the words, it was accompanied by a look and intonation of slight distain. Like it was my fault and I was inferior because I didn't talk about my emotions with her.

Now lets be clear. Because of the aforementioned unnamed reasons that we weren't friends for a while (and some other incidents that happened subsequently) I decided that I wasn't going to put myself out there with this person because it always results in me getting chastized or condemned. I don't need that. I may not be perfect (heck, no one is), but I'm not damned to hell for not being who this person thinks I need to be. I don't need that kind of burden, so I chose not to share my feelings and emotions with them. That doesn't mean that I'm being fake or not genuine...if you know me you know I'm one to speak my mind...I just don't share all aspects of my life with her. Is that soo wrong? Does that make me a bad person? It probably makes me a bad friend, but in my opinion it takes a while to rebuild a friendship, especially after what we've been through.

On the topic of rebuilding a friendship, I always thought I was the noble one (yes, I know a bit lofty of a word and I don't mean it like that, I just mean the bigger person I guess) because I reinitiated the friendship. I put the past behind me and thought I could take some steps forward by being a good friend, but now it dawns on me that perhaps this friend thinks that she's doing me a favor by befriending me and trying to save me from myself (I don't need to be saved from myself...life is a learning process and you live, you make mistakes, and you learn). I'm hanging out with her soon and after this realization I'm nervous that I'm going to get preached at, and I'm not down for that. I've never been down for that...I don't believe in getting "preached at" and I don't believe in doing that to others because its not helpful. It never helped me or people I know, it only pushes them away. I think thoughtful conversation where both points of view are acknowledged (right or wrong, left or right) is the only way to get anywhere.

I just hope it's not too awkward again when we see each other.